A wonderful riley bashing courtisy of Columbia1975
And Now For When It Gets Really Weird...
Giles looked very sternly at Buffy.
"Buffy," he started. "I brought you here to tell you the world is
going to end".
Buffy yawned. "Is that all?" she asked. She looked at her watch.
"Hmmm... I have a date in three hours, but that's okay because we always
solve the problem neatly in forty-seven minutes".
"Actually, Buffy, this time we're all really going to die. The other
ten thousand times were just tests. This is the real thing".
"But that's what you said for the last ten thousand times..." Buffy
"I know, Buffy, but we have to prepare and look through my extensive
book collection for four hours until you have gone on your date and I find
the answer in an obscure book that I had in front of me the whole time. Then
it will be far to late to get the news to you and you shall encounter a
life-threating experience and I shall be captured by a scaly demon who you
will later find was one of your past boyfriends/lovers. It's what we have
always done...and it's what we have to do now".
"But, Giles, you are so stuffy and British and I am so fresh and
American as you can plainly see from my tight clothes and hip slang".
Just then, Xander waked in.
"I am still here. I have not disappeared off the face of the Earth, as
proven by my rare appearance on show whilst we prepare".
"Ah, Xander," Giles called to him. "Where have you been?"
"I have been clearing air time for Riley," said Xander.
Buffy gleamed. "Oh my Riley my gorgeous little elf- like creature.
Where has my little pamplemousse gone to?"
Willow walked in just then.
"Oh. Hi, Buffy! I was going to do a spell with Tara but I realized it
has been a week since our last life- threatening experience! I knew something
must be up!"
Giles nodded. "Yes, Willow. The apocalypse has come again and this
time we're all really going to die".
Willow smiled and sat down. "So what's the demon?"
"It is a dull, lethargic creature called a Badboringdemon. I am pretty
sure it is here in Sunnydale according to an obscure and irrelevant mention
in a prophetic text I have".
"Can you read it to me?" asked Willow, interested.
"Certainly," Giles replied. "It says, 'Gorjkincobble flibinadberjt
plop riley amp'. Loosely translated, it means, 'Badboringdemon will come to
Sunnydale calling cheese'. Hmm..."
Willow raised her eyebrows. "Calling cheese?"
"Well, 'riley' means cheese in this nonexistent language," Giles
replied. Then he remembered that he hadn't been acting British lately and
groped for a seemingly British word. "Brilliant," he murmered weakly.
"And 'amp' means 'calling' in this language?" Xander asked in a
strange, rare moment of clarity.
"Oh, Xander, you're still here. I thought you had vanished off the
face of the Earth. Well, 'amp' literally means 'call', but can be used in
many forms, i.e. calling, called, will call," Giles replied, pushing up his
"Ah," said Willow.
Giles was lost in thought. "Isn't it funny that I can be so stuffy and
proper in nature and yet seemingly accept Buffy's premarital sex and your
lesbian relationship unquestioningly?"
"Hmm..." Willow said.
"Well," Xander quipped. "I must go now. I hope all goes well with the
Giles was agitated. "You guys don't get it! We're all really going to
Willow, Buffy, and Xander gave each other amused looks.
Willow smiled. "Right, Giles. I'm sure".
"WE'RE ALL GOING TO BLOODY DIE!!!!" he screamed.
The others' eyes widened. They had never heard Giles curse. 'Or is
that a curse in Britain?' Buffy thought. 'Those British are so fucked up'.
"THE BADBORINGDEMON IS VERY VERY VERY DANGEROUS!!! IT LURES YOU INTO
ITS LAIR WITH IT'S WHOLESOME YET DULL CHARMS... AND THEN... and then..."
"And then what?" Willow asked.
"It...it does not change you, but slowly dulls and fades your
personality. I think this may be the cause of Buffy's seeming lack of spunk
and wit and cutting remarks. This may be why we have not seen her so
charmingly disoriented for such a long time," he replied.
Willow's eyes widened. "Why is it a problem to be duller?"
"Well," Giles knowingly answered, "Once the Slayer becomes dull and
boring... some magnetic rubber band is snapped at the core of the universe
and the whole world becomes duller and duller until... until we all go into a
deep sleep and die".
Willow looked confused. Buffy played with her hair.
"But if it has already started, then somebody Buffy knows must be the
Badboringdemon," noted Willow.
"Yes," Giles said. "But who does Buffy know that calls cheese?"
"I like cheese," said Buffy.
"I'm sure you do," Giles replied. "It is a tasty and filling snack
that can be used in many ways. We all like cheese. But we must find who
Spike walked in. He had been listening in the doorway the whole time,
admiring Buffy's silky hair.
"Are you all bloody insane?" he screamed.
"Whatever is the matter?" asked Giles.
Spike rolled his eyes. "You idiots. The text does not say 'the
Badboringdemon will come to Sunnydale calling cheese'. Think of the
translation. Lets say they were not saying their word for cheese, riley, but
actually talking about the name Riley?"
Buffy smiled and rolled her eyes. "Silly Spike. I only know one person
named Riley and he is not a de...oh," she realized.
"So let's say they meant to say, 'The Badboringdemon will come to
Sunnydale called Riley'. Wouldn't that make a bloody lot more sense?"
Giles pondered that for a moment and turned to Willow. "Anyway, look
up 'cheese callers' in the phonebook".
"DID ANY OF YOU BLOODY HEAR WHAT I SAID??????" Spike asked,
Giles nodded. "Of course I did, Spike, but we all know Riley is not a
demon because he is from Iowa".
"What?" asked Spike.
"Demons come from hell," explained Giles.
"I KNOW THAT!!!" Spike screamed. "But how do you know that he isn't
telling you the whole truth?"
"Why would Riley lie to us? He is a wholesome Midwestern boy. They
don't lie," Giles reasoned.
Spike shook his head at this obvious fallacy of logic. "Listen, Giles,
can you give me the prophetic text?"
"Certainly," said Giles, handing him the scroll.
"Oh for heaven's sake," cried Spike.
"What is it?" asked the others in unison.
"It says right here, 'Opnopil glob amp riley ponojn Iowa'. That means,
'He will say he comes from Iowa but he really is from Hell'. You are all
bloody idiots," Spike said.
Willow narrowed her eyes. "Giles! I think I know the answer!"
"What Willow???" asked Giles.
"Spike is the demon!"
"What?" asked Spike.
Buffy nodded. "Of course. Why else would he be so obsessed with
prooving Riley did it???"
"KILL HIM!!!!" called Willow.
"Oh, bloody hell," said Spike.
They all attacked Spike at once. Buffy frowned.
"Uh...Giles?" she asked.
"Yes Buffy?" he replied, biting Spike's calf.
"How do you kill a Badboringdemon?"
"Oh. They are allergic to creative and ironic plot twists. And laundry
"Oh!!!" said Buffy. "I'll go get some of that".
She returned with a big bottle that said, LAUNDRY DETERGENT across the
front. "Giles? You can't buy brand names?"
"Well, what do you expect?" he answered, repeatedly hitting Spike's
face. "I'm an unemployed librarian and I have an expensive apartment".
Buffy nodded and poured the laundry detergent all over Spike. Nothing
Giles backed away sheepishly. "I guess he isn't the demon," he said.
"Of course I'm not!"
"Then who is???" Buffy asked.
"Riley!" Spike replied.
"My little pink pony?? My dear little antelope???"
"Um..." Spike replied. "Yeah".
"But how can I kill my adorable little octopus? He is the light of my
"Right. Um... what if I mention the name 'Angel'??"
"Oh, Angel. My one true love... my eternal soul mate... I must kill
Riley for the good of mankind".
Buffy frowned as she entered Riley's fraternity house.
"Pumpkin Pants..." she called. "My Little Lobsterboy..."
Riley jumped in front of her in manner of Superman.
"Do not worry, my lovely creature!" he creid. "Riley, your loveable
gerbil is here!!!!"
"Nice try," said Buffy, spilling the laundry detergent all over him.
"Laundry detergent???" Riley screamed as he choked. "But you know I
hate losing my farm odor..."
Then she frowned.
"I am all alone with no Angel or significant other and I am going to
mope for the next few weeks when we run out of plot twists," she declared.
Willow walks in as she always manages to do when someone is sad.
"Oh, Buffy. There are plenty of other fish in the... never mind".
"Oh, Willow. My little Umbrellaboy is dead".
Willow patted Buffy's back.
Buffy cheered up. "Oh well. I think I'll go frolic in some flowers
"Ok," replied Willow.
As Buffy frolicked among the flowers and sang her jovial tunes, Spike
appeared on one side of the meadow. Angel appeared on the other.
"Oh, joy!" cried Buffy. "My two forbidden loves have come to see me".
But as Spike and Angel walked up to Buffy, she realized all was not
"You have to choose between Spike and me," Angel replied sadly.
"Bloody right!" added Spike.
"Hmm..." she thought. "Eeny meeny miney mo," she pointed at the two of
them. "Cath a tiger by the toe. If he hollers let him go... eeny meeney miney
Her finger landed on Angel.
Angel rushed to her. "The Fates led me to you! They told your pointing
finger that I am your true love!"
"Wait a minute, Mr. Mopey Pants," she said. "I have to do the next
part". She smiled. "My mother said to pick the very best one and you are I-
She pointed at Spike.
"Goody goody gumdrops!" cried Spike, clapping his hands.
Buffy and Spike held hands and frolicked off together, skipping.
Angel was left alone to mope.
Now who was that gorgeous creature? Frank-N-Furter naturally. Drawn by evildrfurter...click on the picture to visit her website