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Shock Treatment Script

Shock Treatment - Original Script
{Movie opens up with a still shot of Farley in his office smoking a
Credits are rolling in a bar near the bottom of the screen}

Narr: Once upon a time,

In a town not far from yours,

There lived a real fast guy.

His life was fast. His friends were fast.

Even his food was fast.

But he was still not satisfied.

He wanted to share his fast philosophy with someone else -

A beautiful girl.

Trouble was, she was in the arms of another man.

{ Smoke begins to move.}


{Camera pulls out to show a neon "Denton, The Home of Happiness

Neely, her crew, Ralph and Macy are sitting in the middle of the
audience's seats. The Floor Manager is in the upper right sitting.
The Cop can be seen walking behind Farley down the stairs from his
billboard/office and over to the Floor Manager. Cop motions to the
floor manager and everyone gets up. Floor Manager walks over to the
wardrobe room door and knocks. He goes in and the wardrobe mistress
comes out. She walks around the corner and nearly runs into the
makeup girl}

W. Mistrss: Whoops!

{Wardrobe Mistress keeps walking and nearly runs into Floor Manager
who has just come out of the other wardrobe room door. The camera
follows him down the winding stairs to Kirk's Coffee Corner. He
tells various cast members to get ready. Camera follows him down to
and behind the big DENTON set. First he passes the cheerleaders not
yet in their places. The he goes behind the picnic table D revealing
Emily standing in it with a sewing machine. Then he goes behind the
letter E, which is made of shrubbery. In it is Harry with a ladder
and a set of garden shears}

Harry: Good luck honey.

{In the N stands the Cop writing a ticket. The N is reminiscent of a
jail cell. To the right, of the letter T, decorated with red and
white stripes on the base and white on blue stars on the cross bar,
stands Ralph adjusting his tie. He is not yet in place either. The
letter O, done in wood grain, are two phones. In the letter N stands
Macy adjusting outfit. The Floor Manager goes past the DENTON set,
past the "Welcome To DTV sign, and to the studio bay door and motions
for it to be opened, letting the audience in. In the audience are
Brad and Janet Majors}

Brad: What are we gonna do Janet?

Janet: It's alright Brad, everything's gonna be alright.

{Everyone takes their seats and the camera finally comes to a rest on
the neon billboard. Scene shifts to the video wall in Farley's
office showing the DTV logo and then the Denton Dossier opening. .
Camera shifts to Neely standing backwards facing the DENTON set.
Everyone is where they were in accordance to above instructions
except Brenda who is on the left side of the T, Frankie who is on the
right side of the T, and Ralph who is now sitting in the O. Neely
turns around to sing.}

<<song - Denton, Denton, USA>>

Neely: You'll find happy hearts, and smiling faces
And tolerance for the ethnic races - in Denton.

Harry: You'll find a rambling rose {clips bush with scissors}
And a picket fence.

Emily: Tenderness, and innocence {turns knob on machine}
In Denton {bites the thread}

Cop: You'll find conference rooms
And a children's playground.{locks jail cell door}
Denton is a real okay town {makes okay sign, walks to the T}
Civic pride and civic duty.
And Denton girls are {wolf whistles} full of beauty.

{Cheerleaders run forwards and dance their cheer}

You may call us the goodie goodie two shoes
Were here to cheer you with the good news
That D - E - N - T - O - N gets T - E - N
That's ten out of ten!

{Ralph has a phone receiver in his left hand and on his right

Ralph: If you're looking for a life of leisure {points to audience}

Macy: Your gonna get a whole lot to please ya

Ralph: Again and again

Macy: And again and again

Both: And again! {Ralph and Macy shrug}

Aud: Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
You're where the heart is you're okay!
Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention
You're the home of youth.
You're America's truth.
You're Denton Denton USA!

Emily: This is the Mecca of America

Harry: The Bethlehem of the west

Emily: This is the birthplace of the virtuous.

Harry: The home of {clips bush with scissors} happiness

Macy: Leisure wise, we're sure you will adapt.

Ralph: {To left phone} Enjoy your stay.
{To right phone} Have a happy holiday.

And we'll all put Denton Denton on the map.

Aud: Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
You're where the heart is you're okay!
Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention
You're the home of youth.
You're America's truth.
You're Denton Denton USA!
{Audience rises}

Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
You're where the heart is you're okay!
Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention
You're {Brad messes up his clap} the acceptable face,
{Camera goes through the faces of people in the set}
Of the human race.
You're Denton Denton USA!
{Audience sits}

{Scene shift to Betty and Oliver on the Denton Dossier set}

Betty: Well how about that? Wasn't that terrific? And now for,
well certainly my favorite part of the show, and I sincerely
hope yours at home, our regular in depth discussion with
Judge Oliver Wright, Denton's leading social scientist.
Judge Wright?

Oliver: mmhmm?

Betty: Did you enjoy our anthem?

Oliver: In a way.

Betty: I detect a note of reticence. Are you perhaps one of those
amongst us who feel that emotive forms of presentations are
overly manipulative.

Oliver: Well Betty, there are many ways that the spider may catch the
fly. There are monetary inducements,

{Scene switches to Neely talking to Brad and Janet. Oliver's lines
can be heard in the background.}

Neely: Hi Brad. Hi Janet.

Oliver: Extortion

Neely: Come for the Marriage Maze?

Oliver: Seduction

Neely: I'm exhausted working on this documentary for Farley's new

Oliver: Blackmail

Neely: Farley Flavors, our new sponsor. Whew! {shakes her hand}

Oliver: Prejudice

Neely: I tell you Janet, that guy's as close as we'll come to a
successful man in this town.

Oliver: and lies.

Betty: Thank you Judge Oliver Wright. {Camera to Betty} And now for
a commercial break.

{Camera to Macy on Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Food Commercial set.
Macy is wearing glasses and a graduation cap & gown outfit. Kids
are sitting on the floor in costumes which kids would wear if they
were given free choices as to how they want to dress. On the floor
is the five F Farley Flavors logo.}


Macy: {Taps stick on blackboard} Okay kids, lets hear the five F's
for today. F for. . .

Kids: Farley!

Macy: F for. . .

Kids: Flavors!

Macy: F for. . .

Kids: Fabulous!

Macy: F for. . .

Kids: Fast!

Macy: And F for. . .

Kids: Food!

FAncr: First and foremost, Farley Flavor's fabulous fast foods feed
and fortify families for a fabulous future.

{Camera on Betty and Oliver walking towards Kirk's Coffee Stand}

{Over PA system} Stand by for Marriage Maze. Strike Denton

Betty: Thank you so much Judge Wright for another wonderful

Oliver: Judge Wright, oh come on Betty. First name terms surely huh?

Betty: Oh Oliver, you're so tolerant. Time for a coffee break
before you rush off?

Oliver: mmm, I'd love to, that is, if you don't mind being seen with
an older man.

{The first E fron the DENTON set is moved across the screen. Oliver
moves Betty out of the way}

Betty: Why, Oliver, since Ralph and I separated maturity is
something I look for in a man.

{Oliver and Betty exchange giggles. Two audience members in the
front row greet them with "Hi Olie!" "Hi Betty!"}

Neely: Hi Betty.

Betty: Hello Neely.

Neely: You keep up that high standard of interview and I'm gonna
have to include you in Farley's documentary. You're so

Oliver: A free thinker?

Betty: Everything's free there.

Kirk: Hi Betty? The usual?

Betty: Plus one.

Kirk: [hereyago.] Hi Vance. Are you gonna be watching Marriage

Cop: Sure am. This could be Bert Schnick's finest hour.

FlrMgr: Yeah.

Kirk: Yeah?

Cop: Yeah! This could be a major step forward for him.

FlrMgr: Yeah, a leap in the dark. I better go check on the Bert,

Cop: Right.

Betty: Good luck.

{Scene shift to Wardrobe Mistress and Makeup Lady getting Bert
ready. Announcer's voice starts and Bert motions for them to get
away. Once they are off screen Bert begins walking towards the
studio floor.}

And here to bring you your just desserts and a recipe for a
perfect marriage, is that gorgeous gourmet, tossing the
uproarious salad of life, Marriage Maze host Bert Schniks!

{Bert takes a bite of the air}

Three seconds

{Audience cheers as Bert dances in.}

Bert: Hoopla Denton!

Hoopla Bert!

{Audience cheers more}

Bert: Thank you. Welcome. Thank you. Before we start I want to
say one or two words about tomorrow nights great new show
"The Faith Factory Show." {Audience ooooohs} And as a
matter of fact we have in the studio audience tonight the
host and his lovely co-host. Give a big hand please to Ralph
Hapshadt and the vivacious Macy Struthers.

{Ralph and Macy stand in the audience a row in front of Brad and
Janet as the audience cheers.}

Brad: Hey Ralph!

Janet: Brad!

Bert: Lets get a camera in there for heavens sake. Over the moon
about that commercial Macy.

Macy: Thanks Bert.

Bert: And got a good show lined up for us tomorrow night Ralph?

Ralph: Ah, you bet Bert. {snaps his fingers on his right hand while
saying this}

Bert: Good! I'm gonna be there. Ain't we all viewers?

{Camera to Kirk's Coffee Corner}

Betty: Macy Struthers with my husband. God I must have been blind.
Still, the weaker the man the dumber the blonde.

Oliver: Isn't that Brad and Janet Majors sitting in the audience?
{Camera on Brad and Janet} What an ideal couple they are.
You know more than anyone else in Denton they represent the
old values. {Camera back to Oliver} Ike would've been proud
of them.

Bert: And now, would the first couple who seem to have made hash of
their marriage, and cooked their goose, step this way please.

{Bert points out to audience. Camera leads in onto Brad and Janet}

Janet: That's us Brad!

Bert: Come on. What's cooking up there. Come on down you guys.
Lets feel you.

Brad: I'm not going Janet.

Janet: We've got to. Everyone is watching.

{Brad and Janet get pulled out of their seats and led down the aisle
to the stage by the floor manager as two audience drones immediately
fill their seats.}

Bert: Face the cameras. Face the cameras. Now, introduce

{Brad and Janet simultaneously introduce themselves and the audience
laughs. Camera on Farley watching from his office}

Janet: I'm Janet Majors and this is my husband Brad.

Bert: Hey Brad, we've been hearing some bad things about you.
Haven't we Janet?

{Camera flashes to Kirk's Coffee Corner Kirk laughs. Camera goes
back to Janet}

Bert: Haven't we Janet?

Janet: Uh, uh yes, uh he needs help.

Brad: Help? Lets face it Janet, Brads an emotional cripple!

{Audience laughs, Brad laughs, Kirk laughs}

Janet: I know, I know, its jus-

Bert: It looks like rest home for this stupid old marriage hey?

{Audience cheers}

Bert: Tell me Janet, you watch Dentonvale?

Janet: Uh, yes I've caught it once or twice.

Bert: That's right, DTV's most popular hospital series, featuring
those perennial favorites Nation and Cosmo McKinley,
neuro-specialist par excelance. I recommend, if you pardon
my French Janet, that you send Brad to them for treatment.

Janet: Oh, uh, well uh I know he's a little boring but uh neuro
specialists? That sounds a little drastic.

Bert: Aaah there's no use pussy footing around Janet. We have to
cut quick and deep!

{Audience cheers. Camera flashes Brad, Janet and then over to Kirk's

Oliver: McKinley. McKinley.

Betty: Bert brought them over from Europe.

Oliver: Oh?

Betty: They had a very popular series together. Its still rerun in
a lot of countries. You must have seen them in Dentonvale.

Oliver: No, I never watch that.

{Camera pans back to Marriage Maze}

Bert: [There's no use wasting another moment] but I'm afraid
there's only one solution, isn't there folks? {Floor Manager
holds up sign reading DENTONVALE} One, two, three!

Aud: Dentonvale!

Bert: Hoopla! Don't go away, we'll be right back to see if Brad
and Janet want to play or pass.

FlrMgr: Great Bert

Bert: Congratulations. I think you've made a wise decision.

Janet: But... but I -

Brad: Janet, I'm... I'm not going.

Janet: What do you mean you're not going? You'll ruin the show.
Bert's made all the arrangements -

Brad: But I don't need treatment.

{Brad knocks over pitcher of water}

Bert: But you do need glasses hey stupid? {Bert & Floor Manager
laugh. Bert eggs on the audience} Doesn't he customers?

Janet: I am sick of being humiliated by you. Bert's right, you're

{In this song the male announcer's voice can be heard in the
background during Brad and Janet's verses. In such cases his words
are marked by parentheses Items mentioned by Brad and Janet are
demonstrated as they are mentioned}

MAncr: It looks like Brad and Janet are heavily amazed today.
Here's some more prizes to amaze, here on Marriage Maze.

Brad: Dear blender,
(You won't blend into the background with this in your home)
Oh won't you help a first offender.
Oh, toaster.
(Pop up in the popularity ratings)
Don't you put the burn on me.
(Look at this!)
Refrigerator, why are we always sooner or later.
Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

(Living on the knife edge)
Dear knife drawer
(Stay sharp with this keen knife enhancer)
Now won't you help me to face life more
Oh, trashcan
(You can't can what the trashcan can)
Don't you put the dirt on me.
Oh percolator, why are we always sooner or later.
(No toil no trouble)
Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

Janet: Everything used to be okay,
But I've been had.
And Brad, I'm glad to say, is on his way.
(Try a prize computer wise)
Micro digital awaker, why are we always sooner or later
Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

{Bert walks across the set}

Shower curtain
(Wash those blues away)
Oh won't you help me to be certain.
Oh toothpaste,
(Arm yourself with - teeth)
Don't you put the squeeze on me.
Depilitator, why are we always sooner or later
Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

{Rick wheels in the wheelchair}

MAncr: And now its back to Marriage Maze. And for those of you who
are Dentonvale watchers here's our surprise guest. Yes. And
here's Bert!

Bert: Hey folks, its Ricky from the rest home!

Ricky: Hey Bert!

{Ricky slaps Bert five}

Bert: Hey Ricky!

Ricky: I've come for Mr. Majors.

Bert: Brad will learn how to care in a surgical chair.

{Audience cheers}

Ricky: Nothing uh serious I hope.

Janet: Oh no no, just a routine checkup.

Bert: Just a routine checkup hey viewers?

{Crowd laughs. Janet sings one last verse}.

Janet: Tell me spectator, why are we always sooner or later,
Bitchin in the kitchen or crying in the bedroom all night.

{Brad gets wheeled out by Ricky and Janet follows}

MAncr: Ha Ha Ha! Well, Bert's done it again, another rocky marriage
is headed for intensive care.

Bert: The subject is committed. {Music stops, cameras turn off and
Bert turns to Floor Manager} As are we all.

{Dentonvale opening}

Dentonvale, The Arrival. Introducing Brad and Janet Majors.

{Camera to Cosmo and Nation in the Dentonvale office}

Cosmo: Ah, Mr. and Mrs. Majors, how wonderful to see you. I'm Dr.
Cosmo McKinley. And this is my sister and colleague Dr.
Nation McKinley.

Nation: We understand you've been going through a rather trying time.

Janet: Well yes, we hav -

Brad: Now, now, now listen ther- there's nothing really wrong with
me. Janet and I haven't been getting along too {Ricky injects
Brad} well lately and I had a little - little trouble {Brad
looses track of what he's saying and passes out on the table}

Janet: Oh Brad!

Cosmo: Oooh! {Checks Brads eyes} Does he do this often?

Janet: No, he's never done this before.

Cosmo: Good. then there's still hope. Lots and lots of hope.

Nation: If anyone can help Brad we can.

{Nurse Ansalong steps into the room}

Janet: Well he does need help.

Cosmo: Ah, Nurse Ansalong, you've arrived.

Oh that was real short notice, because the other monkeys -

Nation: Attend to Mr. Majors.

Cosmo: Just one or two formalities that have to be dealt with Mrs.
Majors. A contract to be {hits Nurse Ansalong on the ass with
the papers} signed.

Janet: Could I do that later please?

Nation: Of course you can Mrs. Majors.

{Brad , Janet, Ansalong, and Ricky leave the room}

{Whispering} Sign the contract tomorrow.

{Cosmo hits his face on the door on the way out of the office chasing

Cosmo: Ouch! Mrs. Majors, just one or two details. Does Brad have
any living relatives, any blood relatives?

Janet: No he doesn't. Can I take care of this later?

Nation: Of course.

{Nation hits Cosmo.}

Janet: Why did you tell me not to sign now

Well, that way you get the first day free.

{Camera goes to Farley, video screen, and then the studio. Bert is
at the Marriage Maze set with Harry and Emily}

Here's Bert, that eternal show biz whiz, with a family
connection in the thirty second quiz.

Bert: As Janet's parents this should be really easy.

Emily: About Brad's family?

Bert: Your last clue is . . . Mental Instability. You have thirty

Harry: Mental instability?

Emily: He was adopted you know.

Harry: Oh yeah. I had forgotten.

Emily: Well I hadn't. I was worried about inherited craziness when
they married. I said to Janet "What do we know about his

Bert: Which leads us to . . .

MAncr: This afternoons surprise prize Bert which is a delirious stay
in that evergreen series "Happy Homes" with unlimited use of
a new dream kitchen.

Emily: Infantile regression?

Bert: You got it!

Emily: I got it! I got it!

Harry: She got it! She got it!

Emily: Oh, I got it!

Harry: Hey Bert, how about that, she got it!

Bert: Congratulations and its Happy Homes to Harry and Emily Weiss
of Denton.

{Harry is last seen jumping for joy with his right fist up. Scene
shifts to Farley in his office pointing to the screen}

Farley: Ha ha.

{Scene switches to Burt, Nation and Cosmo in the Dentonvale office.
Bert and Nation are watching an instant replay of Marriage Maze.
Cosmo is doing some filing. On the TV screen is Emily screaming "I
got it!"}

Bert: She got it. She got it! They won! Infantile regression.

Nation: Our specialty

Bert: Your specialty!

Cosmo: I can't wait to begin on him. Really Bert, I don't know what
we'd do without you

Bert: I must confess. The decision to have Brad committed was not
strictly my own.

Cosmo: No, of course. There's Janet. But If she was so keen on
getting him in here, why wouldn't she sign the contract?

Bert: No, it wasn't Janet exactly. It was, in fact, your new

Cosmo: Sponsor?

Bert: Dentonvale has been sold.

Cosmo: Sold?

Nation: Dear old Bert settled everything.

Bert: Yah! You endorse his Faith Factory and he endorses your

Cosmo: He! {drawer slams shut} How dare this person take advantage
of my weakness.

Nation: I don't think he intends to go that far.

{Bert and Nation burst out laughing. Scene switches to the terminal
ward. Ansalong has just left. Janet is singing to Brad while walking
around his wheelchair. Farley is watching from his office on his
video monitor.}

<<song - In My Own Way>>

Janet: If only you knew how to win some prizes
If only you knew how to play
If you could sleep nights
And stop your crying
Then you might find out I still love you in my own way.

If that's not enough then I am so sorry I met you
It was almost like leading you on.
But there's more to it all
Then just wringing your heart out over something
That keeps on going wrong.

So don't tell me you love me
How am I supposed to know what that means?
No don't sell emotion
You cant find devotion
If you're falling apart at the seams

I hope that you smile
When you reach your conclusion.
I hope that you'll know just what to say.

But if it should mean that the party is over
You should know that I still love you
You should know that I still love you
You should know that I still love you
In my own way. In my own way.
In my own way. In my own way.

{Janet arrives at the set for "Happy Homes"}

Emily: Oh my poor baby.

Janet: Oh mom, its Brad. . . {Emily hugs Janet}

Emily: I know, I know baby. He's gonna get all the help he needs.
But in the mean time, look, for you {Emily hands Janet a new
pink outfit. Janet is impressed by it and tries to get in
words of praise but Emily keeps talking over her. In the
background the Farley Flavors Fabulous Fast Food Commercial
is being aired.} They call it a new look in an old favorite.

I copied it from the window on the world show. The Far East
meets The Midwest.

Janet: Mom its -

Emily: Its just what the doctor ordered. I know. Come on in. My
Favorite shows just started.

{Janet enters holding the new outfit}

Janet: What show?

Emily: Dentonvale.

{Emily closes the door. Scene switches to Nurse Ansalong feeding
Brad in the Terminal ward just after Ricky left. Farley is still
watching Brad. And then to a monitor showing the opening sequence
screen to Happy Homes. The female announcer introduces the show}

FAncr: Love Starts in the home and where better to find this than in
today's happy homes. With guest star Janet Majors.

{Scene switches back to the Weiss's kitchen. Emily is getting ready
to pour a cup of coffee for Janet and herself. On the TV screen is a
commercial for a coffee maker. According to Emily's last words,
Dentonvale is being watched during this scene and Cosmo and Nation's
voices can be heard in the background. The lines that they say, and
the words of the announcers during commercials in the show, are
comparable to the characters thoughts with what is going on currently
on screen during the taping of Happy Homes. Cosmo and Nation's
lines are marked off by parentheses and brackets respectively}

MAncr: So if you're sick and tired of having the goodness boiled
away out of your coffee replace that old perk of yours with a
coffee maker of prestigious distinction and be the envy of
all with a coffee maker that says it all.

{Pan to the audience watching the taping of Happy Homes. Janet's
voice is heard on the speaker system}

Janet: Oh, thanks.

{Pan back to the Weiss's kitchen. Camera on back door. Harry is
entering wiping the sweat from his brow.}

FAncr: When that man of yours comes in from the big outdoors with a
burning thirst that only Lake Michigan can satisfy, make sure
that there's a cold can of Troutmeister light in the icebox.
He'll thank you for it. And he'll thank Troutmeister.

{With nothing to drink in the refrigerator, Harry takes off his hat
and practices his putting behind Janet and Emily. Janet has now
changed into the new outfit her mother gave her.}

Harry: Oh for crying out loud Emily leave her alone. She's not a
kid. (I want you to )

Emily: Well I wanted to see her in it.

Janet: Its really very nice.

Emily: The material is imported (imported) - Taiwanese (Taiwanese).

Harry: Damn it Emily, she's not interested. [Janet seems to be

Emily: What are you trying to do Harry, start an argument? (exactly)
Don't you want your daughter to look pretty? [does he?]

Harry: Who's she got to look pretty for?

Emily: She's got a husband.

Harry: She's got a weirdo! I've never been able to afford the time
to have a nervous breakdown. (That leaves so little time for
a complete breakdown)

Janet: Oh, poor Brad. [yes, poor]

Emily: Thank God he was born an orphan. (ha ha ha) It would have
killed his parents. (Thank goodness) And thank goodness he
hasn't ended up like that Slibstrini boy.

Harry: What are you talking about. Danny Slibstrini is a chip off
the old block. [(laughter )] Why, I played 18 holes of golf
with his father just last week and Hank says that Danny's
moves to New York to better himself.

Emily: He moved alright. [good move, yes that's right] And they
found him at the back of Wilson's bakery, naked, with fifteen
other men. (there were others involved)

Janet: Mexicans.

{Harry puts on a face of disgust and disbelief, misses the putt,
throws his putter, grabs his hat and heads for the door.}

Harry: [Don't get tense] (I'm not getting tense) I'm gonna catch up
on a few jobs that need doing outside.

{Harry slams door}

We return to Dentonvale after this important message.

Emily: You shouldn't have said that.

Janet: But why?

Emily: Your father doesn't like Mexicans.

{Scene changes to a shot of the crowd. Emily's last line is repeated
over PA system.}



{Scene switch to the Weiss's garage door opening up. Harry is
starting his lawnmower}

Harry: A man should call the toss
Wear the pants,
And be the boss!
A man should be the drake
For his own damn sake.

And men should be the misters
And the masters of their sisters
A man should be the reason
For a heart to break.

Mrnes: So, be moral
Don't quarrel
Fair and square is best

Women: Let me alert you
That virtue
Won't hurt you
or desert you

Men: If you wear hair on your chest

Aud: So always remember to follow the rules.

Marnes: Box clever

Men: Jock's never

Harry: {takes off golf hat} Hock another jock's tools! {Puts on
helmet and starts up mower}

A man should wax a car
And fix a fuse
And tend a bar.
A man should like his brow
To be wet with sweat.

And should know the right occasions
To indulge in tax evasions
A man should know the settings
That his spark plugs get.

Faggots are maggots!
Thank god I'm a man.

{As he sings this last verse Harry salutes and the garage door closes
to reveal the Presidential seal. Scene switch to Dentonvale
conference room. Ansalong is wheeling in a cart of fruit and wine.
At the table sit Bert, Nation and Cosmo}

Bert: What a meal! Scrumptious mine leibeling. I insist on the

Nation: Coming from a gourmet that's praise indeed. {whispers}

Cosmo: With Fast Food Farley at the helm it'll probably be TV
dinners from now on.

Bert: Farley is already a TV winner as we shall see {pushes a
button after we and see. Ricky wheels in a TV set}
Dentonvale will run forever now that his interests has
embraced . . . mental hygiene.

Nation: Our field.

{Scene switch to the Research Lab. Oliver and Betty are siting
discussing the events of the movie thus far}

Oliver: You know I'm convinced that its some kind of conspiracy.

Betty: Conspiracy?

Oliver: Mm hmm

Betty: That sounds a little far fetched

Oliver: Oh I don't know. Remember Lieutenant Orpheous? He
disappeared into that underworld series and never came back.

Betty: Sounds like my husband. he never came back either.

Oliver: Ha ha ha.

Betty: Not after Flavors gave him a commercial break.

Oliver: Ah yes, Farley flavors. You know I find it remarkable that
his Faith Factory is being financed by an entire nations
indigestion. Ha ha ha ha ha.

{Scene shift back to Dentonvale conference room}

Bert: Who do you think gave you the next episode? Bert hand nation
a folder with a red heart on the front with the words "The
Brad and Janet Show" written on it. {It is reminiscent of
the "I love Lucy show"} So that Janet will be free to front
line the new Faith Factory Show.

Cosmo: We're the experts.

Bert: Who trusts eh eh experts?

Nation: Why Janet?

Bert: Everyone loves the girl next door. {Bites into and apple}
Particularly Farley.

Nation: So it seems.

{Bert and Nation burst out laughing. Bert sprays apple bits all over
Cosmo who apparently doesn't get the joke. Scene shift back to
Research Lab. Knock at the door}

Betty: Come in. {laughter}

Ralph: Oh hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

Ralph: Oh, I just came to give you this Betty. {Ralph hands her an

Betty: Oh well thank you.

Ralph: You're welcome

Macy: {enters the door} Hi.

Oliver: Hi.

Ralph: Hi.

Betty: Hi.

Ralph: Oh we'd better get going. Tomorrow's the big one and uh
Farley expects.

Oliver: Oh, you bet.

Ralph: Uh huh.

Oliver: Uh huh.

Ralph: I guess we'd better leave you young things to it.

Betty: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

Macy: Bye.

Ralph: Bye.

Oliver: Bye.

{Door shuts. Betty gets up, opens the door and calls to Ralph}

Betty: Oh Ralph.

Ralph: Yes?

Betty: Shove it!

Ralph: Oh you shove it too Betty!

{Betty slams the door and walks back to her seat}

Betty: Alimony is just another word for rape. {Opens the envelope}
Conspiracy is right! The Denton Dossier is. . . {sitting}

Oliver: Closed. {Drops a tack into his stationary holder}


{Dentonvale opening}

Dentonvale, special guest star: Janet Majors.

{Cosmo & Nation chime "Janet!" simultaneously as Janet enters the
conference room}

Janet: I've come to see Brad.

Nation: That's out of the question. He's sleeping like a baby.

Cosmo: Its you we're concerned about Janet.

Nation: Yes Janet. How are you? Are you happy?

Janet: Well I'm happy.

Cosmo: There are countless people in this world Janet who believe
that they're happy

Nation: But they only think that they're happy.

Janet: Oh well that doesn't make any sense.

Bert: {walks over to the TV set} This might, Janet. {Turns on the

Farley: {On TV} And a big Denton welcome to my new delegation. This
is Farley and I'm here with the score. We're gonna package
and sell some mental health for the nation. With my dream of
the girl next door.


{For this song Bert is behind Janet. Janet is sitting in a chair in
front of the TV watching it. Cosmo, Nation, Ricky and Ansalong are
on near and generally around the TV set. They make up the choir and
their verses are marked so}

Farley: Oh why aren't they doing
Tomorrow's new dance steps
The way they used to yesterday?
And who draws a perfect circle anymore?

And if your waiting for greatness
To shake hands with you
You'd better daydream your life away
I've only wanted one thing and that's for sure.

Choir: Your not just looking at a fast food king
Just another well known face
Your not looking at the king of anything

{Nurse Ansalong climbs on top of the TV set}

Farley: I'm gonna shoot for the moon
I'm gonna play high noon
I'm gonna take on the entire human race.

Choir: You're not looking at a king

Farley: You're looking at an ace!

I've got the sight
And I've seen the light
And I'm gonna see the coming day
When the sun in the sky is a spotlight just for me.

I'm gonna take some time
And rock some rhyme
Oh its gonna take you're breath away
You'll be the front page rage of the age just wait and see.

Choir: Your not just looking at a fast food king
Just another well known face
Your not looking at the king of anything

Farley: We're gonna shoot for the moon
We're gonna play high noon
We're gonna take on the entire human race.

Choir: You're not looking at a king

Farley: Oh no no no no - you're looking at an ace!

Choir: You're looking at an ace!

Farley: You're looking at a goddamn ace!

Choir: You're looking at an ace!

Farley: You're looking at an ace!

Choir: You're looking at an ace!

Farley: You're looking at an a - a - a - a - ace!

Nation: I just love home movies. Don't you?

Farley: Times tight Janet
Do it right Janet
Until tomorrow night - Janet?

Janet: Well, Farley Flavors is - fairly flattering. {Janet chuckles
and then stands} But, I wanna see Brad.

Nation: But the question is Janet does Brad want to see you? Quite
frankly he hates you.

Janet: What do you mean?

Cosmo: Brad is harboring deep feelings of hostility towards you

Janet: Towards me?

Cosmo: Its classical. {Ricky and Ansalong wheel out the TV} Almost
a - textbook case.

Janet: Oh no! {starts crying and buries face in her hands}

Cosmo: That's an extremely negative response.

Nation: Yes Janet, leave the crying to Brad.

Janet: Is it because I'm becoming too popular?

Bert: On the contrary Janet. He wants to see your ratings soar!
He needs a woman of exceptional desirability.

Nation: So you see Janet, you can help us to help him.

Janet: Maybe I can.

{Scene switch to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is just leaving and Ricky
is locking Brads cage. Brad sits in his chair in a straitjacket
doing his washing machine impersonation. Scene switch to Farley
watching on his TV. Scene switch to Betty and Oliver in the research
lab throwing away Reagan propaganda.}

{Over PA system} Standby for Faith Factory rehearsal.

Betty: I bet that Macy Struthers had a hand in this.

Oliver: Uh huh.

Betty: We'll probably be replaced by an hour of fashion tips.

Oliver: Now Betty don't over react.

Betty: Over react? You're the one with theories about conspiracies.

Oliver: Yes Betty?

Betty: Are you spoken for this evening?

{Scene switch to Dentonvale conference room. Cosmo and Nation are
reading folders.}

Bert: {taps his cane on the table to get everyone's attention}
Alright you guys. An early start tomorrow for Janet's debut
on Good Morning Denton. By the time we unveil Farley's Faith
Factory Show we will have all earned our beauty sleep.

Janet: Could I just peep in on Brad before I go home?

Bert: Home?

Janet: Home.

Nation: This is the nerve center of operations Janet. You must stay
here tonight. That way we can all be together when Mr. Sun
paints us a new day with his golden brush.

Cosmo: And you can peep in on Brad in the morning.

Bert: Morning?

{Enter Nurse Ansalong and Ricky}

Nation: Are all the beds made up?

Anslng: Oh yes, I plumped up all the pillows and changed up all th-

Cosmo: Then lock up for the night.

Anslng: Okay!

{Exit Ansalong and Ricky. Scene shift to outside the studio. The
Cop is walking around and securing the perimeter. The camera moves
up onto a fire escape where Oliver and Betty are entering}

Oliver: Clever of you to find this spot Betty

Betty: It pays to know your way around Oliver. I thought the Home
Of Happiness would give your theory a new perspective.

Oliver: {sits down} A stately pleasure home indeed.

Betty: Oh! I adore Coleridge Taylor! As a matter of fact {Betty
rummages through her handbag and pulls out a book}
It is an ancient mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three
By thy long grey beard
And glittering eye
Now wherefore stopp'st, thou me?

{Oliver smiles at Betty. Scene changes to Janet brushing her teeth
with Ansalong in the back by the door. Janet spits}


{This song is seen through the windows of Dentonvale. As each
character is singing we "peep in" on what is going on just before
they go to sleep. From left to right the rooms contain Ricky &
Ansalong, Janet, Bert, and Cosmo & Nation. The first room to sing
is Cosmo and Nation's}

Nation: I feel the heat from your skin
And the stubble on your chin
You're no good.

Cosmo: You're no good.

Nation: You've got dirt on your hands
And everybody understands
You're no good.

Cosmo: You're no good.

Nation: Oh what a joke

Cosmo: What a joke

Nation: You feel like choking
You play for broke

Cosmo: You play for broke

Nation: He'll leave you smoking

Cosmo: Oh, romance is not a children's game. {whip}

Nation: But you keep going back.
Its driving you insane.

{Camera goes past Bert's window. Bert is sitting on his bed with a
Lab coat on in place of his Jacket. Camera goes to Janet's window}

Janet: Drift into
The Treacle deep
Slip into its silent depths
{whisper} Go to sleep
With your every thane akimbo
Float into the sandman's limbo.

{Camera shift to Ansalong and Ricky. Ricky is taking pictures of
Ansalong in her teddy}

Night night.

Ricky: Night night.

Anslng: Its time for bye bye.
Its been a great day, thanks a heap.
Now its time for every one to go to sleep.

Aud: Night night
Its time for bye bye.
Its been a great day, thanks a heap.
Now its time for every one to go to sleep.

{During this last verse, camera is panning right showing all the
rooms. Is goes past Cosmo and Nations room and on to show Brad in
his wheel chair sitting in the terminal ward alone. Before the music
ends the scene shifts to the Audience passed out in their seats. At
the end of the music the scene shifts to the fire exit balcony that
Oliver and Betty are on. Oliver is asleep and snoring and Betty is
still reading to him. The cop is still lurking around securing the

Betty: He went like one
That hath been stunned
And is of sense forlorn.
A sadder and a wiser man
He rose the morrow morn.

{Cop finds something and turns on the light waking Oliver and
startling Betty. He holds it up for them to see.}

Cop: Does this bird belong to you?

{Betty shrieks in terror and throws her book. Scene shift to Bert's
room. His white Beta alarm clock is going off at 6:45 A.M.. He gets
up, shuts the alarm clock grabs his cane and sets out looking for
Janet. First he checks her room and then the bathroom.}

Bert: Janet? Are you decent, Janet?

{Bert sees Janet in the shower, even though he's supposedly blind,
takes off his glasses and goes in for a closer look. Nation steps in
before he does}

Nation: Hoopla Bert! Nice to see you up an about. Macs waiting in
the wardrobe Janet.

Janet: Uh huh.

{Bert puts his glasses back on}

Nation: {to Bert} Care to join me in a non sex act?

{Bert nods. Scene shifts to Terminal Ward. Ansalong is leaving.
Ricky has just shut Brad's cell door. Brad is gagged and screaming.
Scene shift to the wardrobe room. Cosmo is walking around in a
Napoleon jacket over his normal green hospital outfit. In the room
are costumes and props used elsewhere in this movie and also in RHPS.
For example the cheerleaders booties, a transylvanian coat, etc...
Cosmo is reading a folder containing directions on how to make a
dress. Janet steps in and looks around.}

Janet: Good morning. {Still doesn't see Cosmo} I wanna see Brad.

{Cosmo steps in front of her showing her a mirror}

Cosmo: Look at yourself. You're beautiful. The most desirable
creature that ever walked.

Janet: Oh if only Brad could have found it within himself to say
those things to me.

Cosmo: He will. But its up to you to reawaken his feelings.
Farley's given you that chance. You can use the breakfast
show to knock Denton dead.

Janet: Do you really think so?

Cosmo: Everybody needs you.

Janet: Hmm. But what'll I do? What'll I say?

Cosmo: Hmm?

Janet: What'll I wear?

Cosmo: Aha!


Cosmo: Ever since I was a little boy
Dressing up has always been my greatest joy
But when its time to be discreet
There's one thing you just can't beat
And that's a strapless backless classical little black dress.

Well first you go rip rip rip,
Then you go snip snip snip
Then you whip in a zip zip zip
And split it up to the hip hip hip
And as you strip strip strip
You shiver, quiver for that soft caress
As you slip slip slip
Into that little black dress.

Nation: Ah, hoopla.

{Scene shift to Bert and Nation going into Janet's dressing room.}

Bert: Ever since I was the eina kliena heiren
It was the cordon bleu
For which I am most caring
And the one taste treat so sweet
That really can't be beat
Is what we have ya, how you are, caviar, that little black

{Cosmo and Janet burst in just after Bert scoops in a mouthful of

Cosmo: Hey! Viola!

{Bert and nation are blown away in amazement}

Janet: Well first you go rip rip rip
Then you go snip snip snip
Then you whip in a zip zip zip
Split it up to the hip hip hip
{Janet gets up on the table and starts dancing and breaking
Then as you strip strip strip
You quiver, shiver for that soft caress
As you slip slip slip
Into that little black dress.

That minimal (minimal) criminal (criminal) siniful
Little black dress

Nation: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

Bert: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

B&N: Lets face it Mac that basic black is coming back

Janet: That minimal (minimal) criminal (criminal) siniful
Little black dress

{Scene shift to studio floor. Floor Manager is trying to wake up the
Audience. Oscar Drill and the Bits pass behind him.}

{whistles} Good morning Denton. Rise and shine. She'll be
here any second now so lets give her a great big hand.

{Audience cheers as Janet, Cosmo, Nation and Bert dance their way
down the stairs to <<music - Little Black Dress>>. A crowd has
gathered at the bottom of the stairs to greet them}

Neely: Oh Janet I can't tell you how excited I am. For you. We've
got the band and dancers and dry ice standing by. Betty
Hapshadt is indisposed so Macy'll have to do the

Janet: Oh I don't need introductions.

{Camera to Betty and Oliver watching from above. Camera to Macy
giving Janet an introduction at the Good Morning Denton set}

Macy: The fabulous. The golden. The very wonderful.

{Scene shift to Betty and Oliver watching from above}

Betty: I knew it!

{Scene shift to cheerleaders in tutus on screen}

Chldrs: Janet Janet Janet Janet

{One interesting thing in this song is Farley's reactions to what
Janet is doing. He is watching this all from his office}

Janet: There's just the two of me
Alone at last together
We've got the luck so far
We are my lucky star
{Echo on "star" Janet has a "What the hell is going on" look
on her face. Cheerleaders start to dance away from her.
Janet starts getting into the music}

Deep in the heart of me
I love every part of me
All I can see in me
Is the danger and ecstasy
One thing there couldn't be
Is any more me in me

{Floor manager passes in front of Janet and she drops down}
This is the me of me
Me me me!

{Janet jumps up from behind monitor. Farley gets startled.}

Janet: Me me
Me me me
Me me me
{Janet throws hat into the audience. Farley licks his lips}

I am my destiny.
Je croie en toujour en moi. Ha ha ha
I'd never lie to me.
I'd be willing to die for moi.
{Janet begins wrecking band setup}
I'll pray every day to me.
And here's what I'd says to me
{Farley fumbles with his cigar}

This is the me of me
Me me me!

{After every line of Janet's next verse the scene flashes to Farley's
office to show Farley going nuts over Janet}

Janet: Me me
Me me me
Me me me
Me me me
Ohh me me
Me me me
Ohhhh me me
Look at me Moi Moi

{Frankie the cheerleader knocks over the pillars that are in back of
Janet. Scene shifts back to Farley's office showing Farley giving an
"Ahh" of approval. Camera to Betty leaving the top level. Scene
goes back to Macy concluding the segment.}

Macy: And, you can see and hear Janet tonight on Faith Factory,
brought to you by Farley Flavors.

{Camera moves back to show Oscar getting his guitar back from Janet,
touching her face, then her left arm and walking off. Various
members of the band and floor cast quickly congratulate Janet and
quickly walk off to the left. Bert, Nation and Cosmo come to
congratulate her}

Bert: Out of self came selflessness

Nation: You revealed yourself, the real you, the secret you.

Cosmo: And you liked what you saw didn't you Janet.

Janet: Well I -

Betty: How's Brad?

Janet: Oh well if he caught my act he'll be looking good! {Bert
Nation and Cosmo laugh. Wardrobe mistress walks by and hands
Janet her hat.} It seems I'm his medicine so we're off to
give him another spoonful. Check ya later Betty. Gotta
freshen up.

{Janet, Nation, Bert and Cosmo walk off, passing Betty. Cosmo laughs
arrogantly. Scene switches to Kirk's coffee corner. Harry, Emily
and the floor manager are on line}

Kirk: Gee, how 'bout that. Janet was a knockout!

Emily: Thank you

Kirk: Yeah, she was terrific. Sexeeeey!

Harry: What!

Kirk: At the same time, fresh, untouched, you know. Hey how's

H&E: He's fine {they look at each other simultaneously. Harry
grabs his coffee and Kirk picks up the sugar for him}

Kirk: Lucky dog, with a pretty girl like that for a wife.

Harry: Yeah, he sure is. No sugar. Thanks Kirk.

Kirk: {to Floor Manager} Well I'll sugar his daughter's.

Betty: Coffee Kirk, I'm dying for it.

Kirk: {Puts Betty's cup down on the counter upside down} R.I.P.
Betty. Your off the air.

{Betty and Oliver walk over to the research lab}

Betty: What's happening here? Janet's on the breakfast show.
Brad's committed to a nowhere series and we've been {having
trouble with her key}

Oliver: Written out?

{Dentonvale opening. During this scene Brad 's words, although
sometimes understandable, are still muffled, because he is gagged.
His words are marked off by brackets. Farley is occasionally seen
glancing in on the scene through the video wall.}

ShAncr: Dentonvale, {Scene shift to the terminal ward. Emily is
opening the shades, Harry is practicing his putting, and
Brad is still bound and gagged in his wheelchair in the
cage.} The Mission of Mercy. Starring the increasingly
popular Janet Majors. {Enter Janet}

Janet: Hi Mommy! Hi Daddy! Hi Brad, I've just come to tell you how
fabulous I am.

Brad: [Janet!]

Emily: Janet! Where's that lovely dress I made you?

Janet: Oh well Mac just whipped up this little crowd pleaser.

Harry: Why, you're practically naked!

Janet: Well I can't wear anything under it Daddy. It would spoil
the line.

Brad: {angry} [Spoil the line?! - - -]

Emily: My God Janet. How can you say such things. Look at Brad.
Look what they've done to him.

{Enter Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ansalong, and Ricky}

Cosmo: Aah! Janet's parents?

Harry: Are you the doctor?

Cosmo: Yes.

Harry: There's gonna have to be an investigation

Cosmo: Oh?

Harry: There are regulations against this sort of thing

Janet: Its for his own good.

Bert: Hoopla Janet!

Janet: Bert! Sweetheart! Oh its fabulous to see you!

{Dentonvale crew starts clapping in joy. Janet and Bert go to sit
down on the couch. Harry is still confused}

Harry: What's going on here?

Janet: {Sitting down with Bert} . . . yes, of course

Bert: I adore that color

{Brad grumbles. Camera goes to Cosmo leading he Weisses into the
cell with him}

Cosmo: The patient was in great danger of doing himself a mischief.

Nation: We only want what's best for him. As parents you must

Harry: No. No I don't. Brad doesn't need to be trussed up like a
turkey. There are drugs to keep him quiet.

Nation: We used them, all of them.

Emily: And none of them worked?

Nation: No.

Harry: Then double the strength.

Nation: We did.

Cosmo: We know our job.

{Farley watches in}

Nation: We also know how you feel. We're not strangers to confusion.

{Farley laughs}

Emily: We're not confused.

Harry: Well I am goddamn it {back to Terminal Ward} You trust Brad
with this crowd pleaser?


Cosmo: I'm not a locum with motives to suture myself
I've been a cynic for too many years
Playing doctor and nurse
It can't be good for your health
I've seen clinics, with those gimmicks
In Tangiers.

Nation: But if you open your heart to a smooth operator
He'll take you for all that you've got
He'll hand you a curse that'll be with you later
It'll shake ya the way he takes off
Like a shot.

Cosmo: You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment
Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.
You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment
So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor
For a vista that'll mystify ya!

Anslng: You're blinded by romance you're blinded by science.
You're condition is critically grave.
But don't expect mercy from such and alliance.
Suspicion of traditions so new wave.

{Ricky is taking pictures of the people on the couch for this verse}
Cosmo: You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment
Yes you're jumping like a real live wire.
You need a bit of . . . ooooh Shock Treatment
So look out mister, don't you blow your last resistor
For a vista that'll certify ya! fy ya, fy ya, fy ya!

{Everyone gets up and dances around Brad's cage. Farley is dancing
in his office. Betty and Oliver are watching from above}

Betty: Look at that! Bert Schniks dancing! Bert can see!

Oliver: Macabre isn't it. The blind leading the blind.

{Everyone dances out of the Terminal Ward and the song ends. Scene
switches to the studio floor where Ralph welcomes Janet to the Faith
Factory rehearsal. A large picture of Farley is being carried in}

Ralph: Welcome to the Faith Factory rehearsal.

Janet: Thank you.

Ralph: We're all really excited about tonight.

Janet: Oh! Do I get one of those? {referring to the giant picture}

Ralph: Uh, yes. Yes of course you do.

{Janet is being greeted by loyal fans. Much commotion. Audience is
chanting "Janet, Janet, We want Janet". Farley is watching from his

Janet: Hi kids, Hi. Oh really?

Ralph: Macy, why don't you take Janet and help her freshen up before
the rehearsal?

Macy: Sure.
{The crowd that has gathered around her gets upset.}

Crowd: Aw no. . .

{Crowd follows her. In the crowd are band members. Frankie
approaches Ralph}

Ralph, you promised me an introduction.

Ralph: Later Francine.

{upset} Frankie!

Ralph: Bert, could you spare a moment?

Bert: Of course.

{Bert, Ralph, and Floor manager step aside. Camera goes to the
winding staircase. Audience is still chanting "Janet Janet we want
Janet!". The crowd of band members and camera crew have followed
her. Neely stops her just before she goes upstairs}

Neely: Janet a quick word. Could you tell our viewers what exactly
you will be representing tonight?

Janet: Uh - Sanity For Today.

{crowd claps}

Oscar: Wow!

Neely: And that's the word from Janet Majors, DTV's newest star.{In
background} Okay guys lets move on

{Camera goes behind steps to Bert, Ralph, and Floor Manager.}

Ralph: How's Brad?

Bert: He's a wreck.

Ralph: Check. The quacks are willing tools?

Bert: Aaah, The quacks are fools.

Ralph: Y'know, I wouldn't mind doing Janet one or two favors

Bert: Its time to check with Flavors.

{Bert pulls an antenna out of his cane making it a walkie talkie he
blows into it to test it. Scene shifts to Farley's office. Farley
picks up the phone. The crowd is chanting "Janet Janet we want
Janet" in the background over the phone.}

Farley: Shoot.

{Scene shifts to Janet's dressing room. Nation and Cosmo are at the
bar. Macy is making sure Janet is ready. "Carte Blanche" is played
in the background.}

Macy: Is there anything else you'd like Janet?

Janet: Yeah, a new carpet. I hate the color. Don't you?

{Macy checks her clipboard and leaves. Whenever the door opens the
crowd is heard chanting "Janet Janet we want Janet!"}

Nation: Its only one night Janet. Don't forget who we're doing this

Janet: Who?

Cosmo: Brad.

Janet: Y'know I'm getting awfully sick of hearing about that
emotional cripple. I've got a lot going for me. I'm going
places. I'm gonna be someone. I'm gonna win my way into the
lives and hearts of the people even if I have to kill to do
it. I'll make the pathetic little crones love me. I don't
even know why I'm wasting my time here with you I should be
with my people.

{Janet gets up and walks out to the balcony near the winding
staircase. The audience is still chanting. At the bottom of the
stairs is the band. The crowd goes wild when Janet comes out}

Band: Hey Janet!

Glitch: Girl, you're great.

Janet: Oh well thanks.

Hi, my name's Frankie.

Band: Francine!

And I think you're beautiful.

{Scene shift to dressing room. Nation and Cosmo are putting pills in
a drink for Janet. Scene back to the band}

Brenda: Hi. I'm Brenda. This is my brother Oscar and this is our
friend Glitch Davidson.

Glitch: Janet we really enjoyed being on the breakfast show with you
this morning. . .

{Janet waves to the audience and they go wild. Glitch's words
subsequently are drowned out. Nation comes in with the drink}

Nation: This is Janet. She's a phenomenon.

{Janet takes a sip}

Janet: So if you're looking for a
Standard to which you can aspire
Then baby
Look at me!
Oh oh oh!
Look at me!

{Janet stumbles}

Nation: I think you need a little rest. You've got a big night ahead
of you.

{Nation walks Janet off stage}

Frankie: Your clothes are real neat.

{Door closes. Scene shifts to in Macy and Ralph being interviewed at
the bottom of the stairs by Neely. The band passes by chanting
"Janet Janet we want Janet" in the background}

FlMgr: {Over PA system} Reminder, wardrobe check for Faith Factory
medical outfits.

Macy: Aren't they great? But getting back to Faith Factory, all in
all it looks like an exciting new series for us.

Ralph: Yes, and a attractive financial prospect for Denton.

Neely: And fashion wise?

{Camera switch to Betty on the phone. Oliver is on the phone next to

Betty: What did I tell you?

Macy: Well, I can just say that Faith Factory will be introducing a
new look. It will show off one or two old faces in an
exciting new light.

Neely: Really? Sounds interesting.

Betty: Did you hear that Oliver?

Oliver: Yes Betty. The false promise of a new dawn usually leads to
a most bloody sunset.

Ralph: No, I don't know what Janet's next move will be, but you can
be sure of one thing, it all starts right here.

Neely: Thank you. And that's the word from Ralph Hapshadt and Macy

{Cameras on Betty and Oliver near the directional sign for the
wardrobe room}

Betty: Oh Oliver.

Oliver: hmm?

Betty: What are we going to do?

Oliver: Care to indulge?

Betty: Indulge?

Oliver: Uh huh. In a little um - masquerade.

Betty: Oh.

FlMgr: {Over PA system} Final reminder. Wardrobe check for Faith
Factory medical outfits. Wardrobe check for Faith Factory
medical outfits.

{Dentonvale opening}

ShAncr: Dentonvale, Parental Predicament.

{Scene shift to Terminal Ward right near Brad. Harry is pacing and
holding a pair of sunglasses}

Emily: Harry, what are we gonna do?

Harry: I don't know Emily. I'm worried. Maybe I can wear those
black leather brogues.

Emily: Too flashy. They'll clash with the new outfits.

{Brad starts moaning}

Emily: Alright Brad dear. Have another sedative. {She fills his
mouth with pills} We'll miss you on the show tonight.

Harry: And don't worry Brad. {Puts glasses on} I'll be back {Puts
corn cob pipe in his mouth. Harry and Emily head for the
door} What about those Italian loafers I bought in Hawaii?

{Brad moans and passes out. He begins hallucinating. He sees Janet
walk into the Terminal Ward}

Janet: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.

{Brad gets a "Huh?" look on her face. Scene shifts to the dressing
room where Janet is passed out on the couch with the drink in her
hand and a slice of orange on her leg. Nation comes by, takes the
drink and eats the orange slice. We now see Janet's hallucinations.
Bert's bedroom door opens. He is sitting on the bed}

Bert: Face it Janet. Brad's an emotional cripple.

{Bert's door closes. Cosmo and Nation's bedroom door opens.}

Cosmo: Quite frankly,

Nation: He hates you

{Nation and Cosmo begin laughing hysterically. Their door closes.
The camera begins to move closer on a still of Farley smiling on TV.

Farley: Times tight Janet
Do it right Janet
Until tonight - Janet?

{Janet imagines herself in Brads wheelchair in the Terminal Ward.
Brad walks in the door with drool all over his chin.}

Brad: I've just come to tell you how fabulous I am.


Janet: I'm on a cul de sac
And I gotta go back
So come on feet
We're gonna hit the streets

We've got it made
I'm looking for trade

Brad: {In wheelchair in terminal ward} I'm looking for love

Janet: I'm looking for trade.
I need some young blood
I need some young blood
I need it now.

I need some young blood
I need some young blood

Bnd&J: And were gonna get it somehow.

Janet: I'm on a dead end street
I'm like a dog in heat
I'm like a kid with no toys
I wanna get those boys

Oooh I can't delay
I'm looking for trade.

Brad: I'm looking for love

Janet: I'm looking for trade.

Oh were all living like there's no tomorrow
And the way things are going that's probably true
But without you and me sis
The world would fall to pieces
Vena Cava who's the raver?

Band: Our raving savior that's you

Janet: I'm on a primrose path
I'm looking for a little laugh
Remember its no fun
To be the chosen one.

There are games to be played
Looking for trade.

Brad: I'm looking for love

Janet: I'm looking for trade.
I need some young blood
I need some young blood
I need it now.

Ohhh! I need some young blood
I need some young blood
And I'm gonna get it somehow.

I'm looking for trade.

{Crowd is heard chanting in the background. Nation is waking up
Janet, still asleep on the couch}

Nation: Janet? Janet? Wake up Janet. You've got guests. You can
come in now!

{The band enters}

Brenda: Hi Janet!

How are you feeling?

Janet: Who are you?

Oscar: The band!

Janet: Do you have any friends?

Oscar: Sure.

Janet: You won't have soon. What are you called - your band?

Glitch: Oscar Drill and the Bits.

{Janet passes out with an "Ungh". Scene switches to wardrobe room}.
Wardrobe mistress is leaving. When she leaves, Betty and Oliver come
out of hiding.}

Oliver: Betty, its imperative we get Janet out of Farley's fast
fingers and Brad out of that hell hole, before they both
disappear forever.

Betty: I don't mind telling you Oliver, I'm not looking forward to

Oliver: If only I could place that name. McKinley.

Betty: It was a president.

Oliver: Presidents. Past presidents. Betty, this is beginning to
add up.

Betty: Really? {Tries to get on a name tag} What do I pin this on?

Oliver: Faith Betty. But make sure its your own.

{Scene shift to Farley's office. Wardrobe mistress is putting on the
finishing touches. Cop has just entered}

W. Mistrss:
In a hurry Mr. Flavors?

Cop: There's a little lady he doesn't want to keep waiting. And a

W. Mistrss:
Who is Mr. Flavors?

Farley: The past.

{Cop lights Farley's cigar}
{This song takes place in the wardrobe room>>

Emily: Like a virgin, with an urgin, in a surgery
I'll be swinging, I'll be bringing out the nurse in me.

Harry: The art will start when I play my part
As a healer who will steal your heart

H&E: Oh look what I did to my ID.
Oh look what I did to my ID.

Cosmo: With neurosis in perfusion

Nation: And psychosis in your soul

Cosmo: Eliminate confusion

C&N: And hide inside a brand new role!

Macy: Like a good time girl I'm gonna try some new tricks

Ralph: This could be the start of a whole new career

Macy: Got a deep plumb lipstick and some therapeutics

Ralph: This could take us to a town that's nowhere near here.

Anslng: Got some heartfelt symptoms and I'm feeling sneaky

Ricky: Young male intern tall and handsome

Anslng: Got my hems so high they'll think I'm being cheeky.

Ricky: Legs like mine were really made for dancing

All: Oh oh oh! Hey hey hey!

C&N: When heavens in the music
Hell is in control.
The angel's got the voices
But the Devil's got rock and roll!

All: We may look we're phony medics
But we took our look from a book by Frederick's

Oh look what I did to my ID - ID!.
Look what I did to my ID.

{Scene switch to Janet's dressing room}

Janet: Oh Brad.

Nation: He's an emotional cripple remember? Even he wouldn't like to
see you like this.

Neely: Listen Ralph, I just want to speak with someone. If I don't
get in now, right now, there's going to be trouble!

Ralph: Later Neely, okay?

Neely: Ralph!

{Ralph slams door}

Ralph: How is she. Well come on. Farley's expecting her any
minute. You guys get your asses in front of those cameras and
try and earn yourselves a reputation, okay? Well move!

Neely: We just wanna ask a few questions. We've gotta know what

Oscar: These are for you Janet.

Glitch: They'll make you feel a whole lot better.

Oscar: Yeah!

Nation: Amateurs.

Give us a J!

Aud: J!


Aud: A!


Aud: N!


Aud: E!

Give us a T!

Aud: T!

We can't hear you!

Aud: Awww!!!

{Betty snoops around in the research room as the cheerleaders
continue riling up the audience. She searches under McKinley.
Computer begins to beep as it comes up with information.}

Betty: Oh my God! Character actors?

Ralph: {On PA system} Ladies and gentlemen, the studio band will
soon be here to entertain you in anticipation of tonight's
premiere taping {Cop taps on drum} of Farley Flavor's Faith

{Audience cheers. Scene switch back to Betty who is now snooping
around for information about Farley Flavors. Scene switch back to

Neely: And so if you're a follower of exotic trends in fashion,
you'll find plenty to keep you going here tonight. And
naturally feeling the excitement, and not wanting to stick
out like a sore thumb, I had to get a little outfit of my own
together. And this is it.

{Crowd claps. Betty is now looking at microfilm of a newspaper}

Ralph: Ladies and gentlemen, to help get you in the mood for Faith
Factory, DTV proudly presents Denton's own - with a suburban
garage sound, lets hear it for Oscar Drill and The Bits!

Betty: Oh Oliver. This is one time charity didn't begin at home.


Oscar: I know how it feels
To be cooling my heels
I've been down on them
Long enough

But if I stay to them now
Then maybe somehow
You'll see through the bluff
I'm not playing it tough

I've been a lifetime on deposit
And that's a long time in the closet
And if you say to me
How was it?
It was hard taking
That heart breaking
God forsaken route.

{Oliver and Betty free Brad from the terminal ward with Bettys

But I'm
Buh buh buh buh buh buh
Breaking out!

You may say that you choose
To be in my shoes
Well look what it
Did for me

I got buried alive
I don't thrive on that jive
Look and you'll see
That the spikes don't fit me

I've been a lifetime on deposit
And that's a long time in the closet
And if you say to me
How was it?
It was hard taking
That heart breaking
God forsaken route.

But I'm
Buh buh buh buh buh buh
Breaking out!

Brad: Where are we going?

Betty: To a family reunion

Oscar: Breaking out!

Aud: Breaking out!

Oscar: Breaking out!

Aud: Breaking out!

Oscar: Ungh!

{Audience cheers. Scene switch to Farley Flavor's office.
Conference between Cosmo, Nation, Bert, Ralph, Macy, and Farley.
Neely is there with her crew. Scene opens with everyone laughing and

Farley: She represents everything our customers want: Innocence,
decency, and the allusion of a happy ending. {Crowd
And, behind her image, take away therapy will thrive under
the capable hands of two great ethical intellects, operating
on the frontiers of medical science. Huh? Huh?{Crowd
compliments Cosmo and Nation on their great work.} Under the
firm guidance of a great survivor in the treacherous sea of
diplomacy, our own Bert Schniks. {Crowd goes crazy over
Farley's idea} Now, lets get this show on the road! {Crowd
goes wild scuttling off and can still be heard in the

Neely: Mr. Flavors. May I have a moment of your time?

Farley: Sure thing.

Neely: We've heard rumors that you're going to unveil more than just
a new series tonight. Is this true?

Farley: Absolutely correct.

Neely: Could you tell us a little more about it?

Farley: Well lets just say, we're planning on putting sanity back on
the national menu.

Neely: And how does local girl Janet Majors fit into the scheme of

Farley: Very nicely.

Janet: Brad?

Betty: And he's resented you all these years.

Brad: And Janet?

Oliver: She represents everything he's been denied.

By satellite, Farley Flavor's Faith Factory.

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen, Denton's own, America's pride, the
world's example, Janet, the sensation of the planet. We
bring you Miss Mental Health!

{Enter Janet wearing red and white. As she walks down the aisle to
her throne, things happen in slow motion. Audience is clapping}

Nation: Isn't she lovely?

Emily: I love you baby!

Nation: She walks in beauty.

Harry: That's my little girl! That a girl Janet!

Emily: We love you baby!

Nation: We all love Janet. Who do we love?

Aud: Janet!

{Audience goes wild. Cop raises arm and yells "Janet!". Janet sits
in her throne}

Nation: The dress Janet is wearing has been given by Creme de la
Creme Modes of downtown Denton and we've been asked that you
take note of the individual styling and exquisite tailoring.
This is just one of the many gifts that's so freely and
generously given to Janet, the first of, we hope, many Miss
Mental Healths!

{Audience goes wild again}

Ralph: Ladies and Gentlemen, the President.

{Drum roll. Sanity For Today medical outfit wearers stand at
attention. Audience quiets. Neely directs her crew to focus in on
the door. Irwin walks up to the podium}

Irwin: Hi! I'm Irwin Lapsey, President of Lapsey Autos. {Sanity For
Today medical outfit wearers sit. Irwin looks at them and
wonders then turns back to the audience} I'm holding in my
hand here some keys {jiggles keys in left hand} Keys which I
would like to give to the little lady who is being so honored
here tonight. And I wanna tell ya, if she takes these keys
she will find that they fit something. And what that
something is, is an almost brand new ultra deluxe eight
cylinder convertible complete with radio, tape deck, plush
fur seat covers and many many extras. And its all hers for
absolutely free.

{Audience cheers as Irwin walks over to Janet to give her the keys.
Cosmo stops him, takes the keys, and escorts Irwin offstage. Ralph
takes the microphone}

Ralph: Well, Janet. Janet is absolutely speechless ladies and
gentlemen. {Audience moans} But here's someone we do want to
hear from. A firm favorite of yours and mine. You've reveled
in his recipes. {Brad gets dropped by Oliver and Betty} You
marveled in his marriage guidance. The all knowing, and now
all seeing, {Audience is astonished} that's right, Bert

{Bert comes walking to the podium showing his now uncovered eyes.
Scene flashes to Oliver and Betty dragging Brad while trying to find
a way out of the Dentonvale set. Scene goes back to Faith Factory.
Audience member says "Bert you're beautiful!"}

Bert: Hoopla Denton!

Hoopla Bert!

Bert: Thank you, welcome.

Ralph: What's cooking Bert?

Bert: I'll tell you what's cooking buddy and I'll tell you too you
guys. She made the blind see and it was a gift. Who was the
gift from? Lets hear an F for. . .


Bert: And another F for. . .

Flavors! (Fuck)

{Enter Farley. Audience goes wild.}

Farley: My friends! And you are all my friends (my special friend is in my pants. want to see? Sorry again). {Farley laughs}
My friends to night we are taking the first step of defiance,
and starting something that will grow so big that the whole
world will reverberate with its sound. And wherever our
slogan "Sanity and vanity" is uttered, it will be linked
incontrovertibly to this night, this station, and this
beautiful face.

{Janet begins to stand. Audience cheers. Brad hears this through
the wall and comes crashing through the giant picture of Janet's
head. Audience is startled and phrases such as "Its a crazy guy" can
be heard.}

Brad: Seducer!

Farley: And who are you sir?

Brad: Your twin brother and your accuser!

Janet: {recognition} Brad!

Cosmo: Arrest that man he's committed to our care.

Janet: I never signed your contract. He's not going anywhere.

Oliver: Revenge your twin. You tried to abuse her.

Farley: {Outraged} A ridiculous accusation! You force me to refuse

Brad: Then why did you choose her?

Farley: Because of you sir!


Farley: You're a looser
An abomination in the eyes of any sensitive man

Brad: And you're a blind alley cruiser
Always heading down a loosing strait
Dreaming that you're screaming at fate
You're a dead end dead beat nowhere mister
With a kiss like a Mississippi alligator's sister

Farley: I took as much of you as any man can!
You've lost your heart

Brad: You've lost your cause

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!
You've lost your mind
You've lost your grip
So say bye-bye!

Brad: We lost our Mom
We lost our Dad
And if I'm loosing you
Well that's too bad

Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

{Farley mimes a gun on the last verse. Scene switch to the
Dentonvale Conference room table. Brad and Farley are sitting at
opposite ends}

Brad: You're a failure
A malformation in the guise of many
And all so rand

Farley: And you're a weeper and a whiner
Always treading on the toes of the great
Barely spreading your weight
You're a spiteful, hateful, asinine creature
A pupil with no scruples who's no better than the teacher

Brad: I took as much of you as any man can!

Farley: You've lost your heart

Brad: You've lost your cause

Farley: You lost your baby when you lost your balls!
You lost your mind
When you lost your grip
So say bye-bye!

Brad: We've lost our home
Our family
You've lost compassion
Now you're loosing me.

Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Brad: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

{Scene shift back to the Faith Factory set. Farley is developing a
severe facial tic}

Farley: Well the best thing you could ever do is die.

Farley: {addressing audience} Take no notice of him! He's mad.

{Audience gasps}

Brad: I'm as sane as you are. {Audience gasps} Saner!

Cosmo: {pushing Farley out of the way} And he was only with us for
one day!

{Audience cheers. Camera pans to Ralph and Bert. Ralph is clapping}

Bert: They should be sent to the Danube at dawn.

Ralph: What?

Bert: Just memories.

Ralph: {to Farley quietly} We'll edit the tape. They'll never see
everything. {to audience} Um I hope Mr. Flavors will accept
apologies on behalf of all of Denton for this unfortunate
incident. It seems everyone wants to be related to the great.

{Audience cheers approval.}

Farley: No offense. Offense? On the contrary. This is a perfect
example of what we are here to combat.

{All eyes turn to Janet. After a brief moment, she reaches down and
helps Brad to his feet. Farley is shocked for a moment and then
starts chanting "Out", getting louder and louder progressively,
pointing toward the door each time. The crowd catches on as do most
of the people on stage. The Cop comes and escorts Oliver, Betty, Brad
and Janet into the research lab.}

Farley: You see the way we got rid of that dirty little dish, is the
way we are going to put the rest of our house in order.
Including the upstairs! {Audience cheers. Farley motions to
Macy} Ah yes yes, Miss, you yes. Would you come up here
please and help us to inaugurate the Farley Flavor's Faith
Factory, transmitting from coast to coast and continent to
continent? You are miss, uh miss?

Macy: Macy. Macy Struthers.

Farley: Macy Struthers!!!

Betty: Who loves you Baby?

{Betty flips off Macy. Camera goes to Emily and Harry who are

Emily: She let me down. She let us all down!

Harry: Shut up Emily! And listen to a success story.

Nation: This could be worse than the old series.

Cosmo: In the old series we never had a convertible. {Flips the keys
out and back in}

Farley: And remember, sanity today is the springboard to the hygienic
tomorrow. {Farley kisses Macy. Ralph frowns but keeps on
clapping. Audience cheers} Now, will you follow me, down
the DTV trail, to Dentonvale?


Farley: {to Macy} Thanks honey, they bought it. Now out of the way.
{to audience} That's right!

Neely: I can't stand it. Everything good always happens to other
people. {Audience members are being handed striped straight
jackets. by Cosmo Nation, Ansalong, and others. Neely is
heard.} And fast food giant Farley Flavors has just given
Miss Mental Health what can only be described as an official
kiss of approval. And the crowd are loving it as they follow
her down the Dentonvale trail.

Brad: Hey look they're having a party.

{Vance is about to take off, because he sees Neely and her crew
following the crowd because they don't want to miss out on the
action. Just as he is about to leave, he shoves Brad into the office
and locks the door. He takes off after everyone else. Scene shifts
to inside the research lab}


Brad: Some people do it for compassion

Janet: Some people do it for the fashion

Brad: Some people do it to be funny

Janet: Some people do it for the money

Oliver: Some people do it for enslavement

Betty: Some people do it on the pavement
{Betty unlocks the door with her hairpin}

Oliver: But. . .

{All four of them conga out of the office and at the end of the sit
in the audience seats.}

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it
No matter how the wind is blowing

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it
We just gotta keep going

Bd&Jt: Some people do it for each other

Bt&Ol: Some people do it for their lover

Bd&Jt: Some people do it for improvement

Bt&Ol: Some people do it for the movement

Bd&Jt: Some people do it for enjoyment

Bt&Ol: Some people do it for employment

Oliver: But. . .

{All four dance down the aisles to the stage to see Oscar Drill and
the Bits waiting for them in the convertible.}

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it
No matter how the wind is blowing

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it
We just gotta keep going

{Scene shifts to the McKinley's office . Farley is standing on the
desk and has just opened a bottle of champagne and is drinking a
toast with the Faith Factory cast and others. Cameras follow the
audience, now clad in their straight jackets and Faith Factory hats,
along the wall to the Terminal Ward. They are singing}

Aud: Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
You're where the heart is you're okay!
Denton, Denton, you've got no pretension
You're where the heart is you're okay!
Denton, Denton, I'd just like to mention
You're the acceptable face,
Of the human race.
You're Denton Denton USA!

{Scene shift back to the stage. The band has just pushed open the
studio door and Betty has just jump-started the car with her

All 4: We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it
No matter how the wind is blowing

We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it anyhow anyhow
We're gonna do it
We just gotta keep going
We just gotta keep going
We just gotta keep going

{Brad, Janet, Oliver, Betty, and the band, all get into the car and
drive off. The door closes behind them.}

Narr: The sun never sets on those who ride into it.

We just gotta keep going