Audiance call backs are *insert words here *
audiance call backs are the words u call back to the actors.
if you think this is sick, perverted or freaky in some way...you're probably right. But it's fucking brilliant.
so sit back, relaxe, grab a bowel of rice and some confetti, get ready to laugh...please welcome the rocky horror picture show!




*A long, long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away,
God said, let there be lips, and there were, and they were good,*

Usherette:
Michael Rennie was ill, the day the earth stood still,
And he told us where we stand, *On our feet,*
And Flash Gordon was there in silver underwear, *with curly pubic hair*
Claude Raines was the invisible man, *I saw him!*
Then something went wrong, for Fay Ray and King Kong,
They got caught in a* sexual* cellular jam, *69,*
Then at a deadly pace in came from, *I came on, Where?, Janet's face,*
outer-space, *thank you,*
And this is how the message ran,

Science Fiction, Double feature,
Doctor X, Will build a creature,
See androids fighting, *And fucking and sucking on, *
Brad and Janet, Anne Francis stars in, *Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas and,*
Forbidden Planet, Wo, oh, oh, oh, oh,
At the late night, double feature, picture show,
I know Leo G. Carol, was *fucking* over a barrel,
When tarantula took to the hills, *Lick it,*
And I really got hot,
When I saw *Janet's Clit* Janet Scott,
Fight a Trifid that spits poison and kills, *Audry II,*
Dana Andrews said Prunes
Gave him the* shits* runes,
And passing them used lots of skills, *And toilet paper,*
But when world collide, [Boom],
Said George Powell to his bride,
I'm going to give you, some *joints and some pills* terrible thrills,
Like a Science Fiction, Double feature,
Doctor X, Will build a creature,
See androids fighting, *And fucking and sucking on*,
Brad and Janet, Anne Francis stars in, *Deep Throat, Debbie Does Dallas and,*
Forbidden Planet, Wo, oh, oh, oh, oh,
At the late night, double feature, picture show,
I want to go, *Toilet's outside, *
Wo, oh, oh, oh, To the late night, double feature, picture show,
By RKO,
Wo, oh, oh, oh, To the late night, double feature, picture show,
*Where's the best place to fuck?*,
In the back row,
*Fuck the back row,
Fuck the front row, it's cheaper
Fuck the second row, it's free
Fuck the third row, they pay you!*
To the late night, double feature, picture show.

[Wedding March]
Dentonian:
Here they come! (Dentonians cheer and throw rice) [throw RICE]
Photographer:
Let's get a picture. Close together now. *Who do you want to fuck? *
The folks and then the grandparents. Just of the close family.* He'd fuck anybody*
Ahhh, hold that. Beautiful. And... (snap)
Dentonian:
Congratulations. *Thank you [in a voice like the Dentonian]*
Ralph:
I guest we finally did it, huh.
*Hit him!... Hit him back! Oh shit it's a fight!*
Brad:
I don't think there's any doubt about that.
You and Betty have been almost inseparable since you met in Dr. Scott's
Refresher class.
*They're inseparable because they used SuperGlue instead of Vaseline, Auh! *
Ralph:
Well to tell you the truth, Brad,
That's the only reason I showed up in the first place. (chuckles)
Betty:
O.K. you guys, this is it.
Ralph:
Well Betty's going to throw the bouquet. [throw Bouquet]
*Who's got the clap? [clap] Who's got the clap? [clap] Who's got the clap? [clap] *
Janet:
I got it! I got it!
Ralph:
Hey big fella, *How do you know?*,
Looks like it could be your turn next, eh?
Brad:
Who knows. *Who cares?*
Ralph:
Well so long, see you Brad, *See you sucker, *
We'd better get going Betty, come on hop in, *That's Ralph's cum ... but it's Bettie's handwriting!*
Janet::
Oh Brad, wasn't it wonderful? *No!*
Wasn't Betty radiantly beautiful? *No!*
I can't believe it.
An hour ago she was just *a virgin* plain old Betty Monroe, and now...
*Now she's just a slut, *
Now she's Mrs. Ralph Hapshatt. *Hap-Shit will travel
Hey Brad, do you suck Ralph off? *
Brad:
Yes Janet, Ralph is a lucky guy. *No he's not, she's got syphillis, *
Janet:
Yes. I always cry at weddings.
*Show me an angel masturbating with a hugh willie. Thank you*.
Brad:
Everyone knows that Betty is a wonderful little cook.
*And she's a great fuck too! She could suck start a Harley Davidson!
What's that sign doing in a graveyard? It was a grave mistake*.
Janet:
Yes.
Brad:
Why Ralph himself, he'll be up for a promotion in a year or two.
*He'll certainly get a raise tonight*
Janet:
Yes.
Brad:
Hey Janet.
*Sit on my face and wiggle, cause my nose is longer than my dick!*
Janet:
Yes Brad?
Brad:
I really love the *Slimy, Schemey, Sexy, Spice Girls,*
skillful way... *what a fucking genius*
you beat the other girls... *with whips and chains and a wet fish*
to the bride's bouquet. *that too...*

Brad:
The river was deep, but I swam it, Janet,
The future is ours to lets plan it, Janet,
So please don't tell me to can it, Janet,
I've one thing to say, and that damn it Janet, I love you, *Arseholes run backwards, *
The road was long but I ran it, Janet,
There's a fire in my heart and you fan it, Janet,
If there's one fool for you then I am it, Janet,
I've one thing to say, and that damn it Janet, I love you, *only arseholes write on doors,*
Here's a ring to prove that I'm no joker. *That I play poker*.
There's three ways that love can grow, *Sex, drugs and rock and roll*
That's good, bad, or mediocre. *That's straight, gay, or bi-sexual!
Spell slut? *
Oh J-A-N-E-T I love you so.
*Describe your first orgasm?*
Janet:
Oh, it's nicer than Betty Monroe had. Oh brad
Now we're engaged and I'm so glad Oh Brad,
That you *fuck* met Mom and you *blow* know Dad,
Oh Brad
I've one thing to say and that's Brad, I'm mad, *for a screw*, for you too,
Oh Brad...
Brad:
Oh... dammit. *shit*
Janet:
I'm mad...
Brad:
Oh... Janet. *Oh Shit,
How do you walk with an erection?*
Janet:
For you. *Oh Shit, *
Brad:
I love you too. *I want to screw...*
Brad & Janet::
There's one thing left to do - ah - oo.
Brad:
And that's *go pick your nose and then flick it* go see the man who began it.
When we met in his science exam-it, Janet,
Made me *piss in my pants* give you the eye and then panic, Janet,
Now I've one thing to say and that's Dammit, Janet, I love you.
Dammit, Janet.
Janet:
Oh Brad, I'm mad.
Brad:
Dammit, Janet.
Brad & Janet:
I love you.
*Janet's now going to to the impossible she's going to bend over backwards and kiss her arsehole*.
[At the picture of the cross]
*If you divide the screen into 4, I'll show you a man with no fucking neck. This man has no fucking neck, he has a dildo between his fingers, his tie is far too wide and he has an ear in his pocket*.
Criminologist:
I would like, *You would, would you?, *
If I may, *You may not*,
To take you, *Up the arse*,
On a strange journey, *Same thing*
[Goes for black book]
*Not the book, the MOVIE *
[opens book] *And this pervert took pictures, and your in 'em!
So's Madonna, So's everybody else*,
It seemed a fairly ordinary night, *Ordinary?,
My Mammy, My Daddy, My Doggy, and my* ...
Brad Majors, *Arse-hole*,
Janet Weiss, *Slut,*
Two young ordinary healthy kids, *Healthy?,*
Left Denton that late November evening,
To visit a Dr Everett Scott, *Seig-heil*,
Ex-tutor, now friend to both of them.
*Is it true that you're hiding a pitifully small erection behind that book?*
It's true, there were dark storm clouds,
*Describe your balls,*
Heavy black and pendulous, towards which they were driving.
*Is it true that you fuck boy scouts up the arse? *
It's true also,
That the spare tyre they were carrying was badly in need of some air,
*So's your fucking neck,*
But, uh, they being two normal kids, *Normal?,*
On a night out, were not going to let a storm spoil the events of there evening,
*On a night in!*,
On a night out, *I said it was a night in!,*
It was a night out, *OK is was a night out* they were going to remember,
*How long have you been ugly?*
For a very long time, *aaah-choo!*



[RAIN]

[Richard Nixon speech on radio]
*Hey Dick, Have you ever been a quitter?*
Nixon:
I have never been a quitter.* Bull shit*.
To leave office before by term is completed,
is a apposed to every bone in my body, *You call that a body?,*
But as president , *You call that a president?,*
I must put the interests of America first,
*What does America need Dick?*,
America needs a full time President, *not a part time arsehole like Bill Clinton *
And a full time congress, .............


Janet:
Gosh, that's the third motorcycle that's passed us, *No, it's the first bitch,*
They sure do take their lives in their hands, what with the weather and all,
Brad:
Yes Janet, life's pretty cheap to that type, *Janet's cheap to any type, She's not cheap she's free. She's not free she pays you!*
Janet:
What's the matter Brad my darling,
*Make a sound like the Crash Test Dummies,*
Brad:
Mmm, We'd must have taken the wrong fork a few miles back, *Arse-hole, *
Janet:
Well then, where did that motorcyclist come from?,
*[Twilight-Zone theme] Japan where else?*
Brad:
Well I guess we'll just have to turn back,
*Don't believe him Janet - it's just a cheap excuse to get his hands on your right tit*.
[Bang]
Janet:
What was that bang, *A gang bang,*
Brad:
It must have been a blow-out.
Damn it, [Hit seat] I knew I should have got that spare tyre fixed, *Arsehole*,
Well you just stay here and keep warm and I'll go for help,
Janet:
Where will you go in the middle of nowhere?
Note to Americans: we don't haver bars in the UK!
Brad:
Didn't we pass a castle back down the road a few miles, [Cheers]
Maybe they have a telephone that I could use,
*Castle's don't have telephones! When did you last visit the National Trust?*
Janet:
I'm going with you,
Brad:
Oh darling there's no sense in both of us getting wet, *She's already wet,*
Janet:
I'm coming with you, *That will be a first, *
Beside darling the owner of that phone might be a beautiful woman, *He is!*
And you will never come back again, *You should be so Lucky, Lucky, Lucky
Kick something flatter than Janet's singing, [Brad kicks the tyre]
[WATER]
Other side, chicken legs! .... No! the other side.
[At the warning sign] Risk it! Risk it!
Shouldn't that sign be between Janet's legs?
How long does it take to read five fucking words?
About five fucking minutes!
Sing already, bitch!*
Janet::
In the velvet darkness, of the blackest night,
Burning bright, *What's up your arse?*,
There's a guiding star, *Would you fuck me no matter what?*
No matter what or who you are,
There's a light, over at the Frankenstein place,
There's a light, *Where's Santa Claus?* burning in the fire place,
There's a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody's life,
*Sing to us oh hairless one,*
Riff:
Darkness must go, down the river of life's dream,
*Close up, camera 69!*
Flow morphia slow, let the sun and life come streaming,
Into my life, Into my life,

Janet:
There's a light, over at the Frankenstein place,
There's a light, burning in the fire place,
There's a light, a light, in the darkness of everybody's life,

Criminologist:
*Doh ... Ray ... Mi ... Fah ...*
And so, *You won't find your neck in there! *
it seemed that fortune had smiled upon Brad and Janet,
and that they had found the assistance that their plight required,
*Are you sure?*
Or had they?
*Scooby Doo in bondage
Why has Janet got condoms in her hair? 'Cause she's a dick head, *
Janet:
Oh Brad, lets go back, I'm cold and I'm frightened,
Brad:
Just a moment Janet, they may have a phone,
*Wanna buy some tickets for the Arsehole Ball? Arseholes don't have balls.*
[Door Opens]
*Captain Jean-Luc Picard,
What your favourite magazine Riff?*,
Riff:
Hello, *is it me you're looking for?
*Are you drunk or high?*
Brad:
Hi, my names Brad Majors, *Arsehole,*
And this is my fiance Janet Weiss, *Slut,*
I wonder if you might help us,
You see our car broke down a few miles up the road,
Do you have a phone we might use?
*Look between Janet's legs,*
Riff:
You're wet, *She's always wet
Janet:
Yes, *Why?*, It's raining, *slut*
Brad:
*Are you an arsehole brad?* Yes
Riff:
*Are you a flasher Riff?* Yes *How about you God*,
I'd think you'd both better *Fuck Off!* come inside,
*I don't care where you come, as long as you clean it up,*
Janet:
You're too kind, *You're two faced!, And she'd sit on both of 'em*,

*How does an arsehole fly Brad?*
Janet:
Oh Brad, I'm frightened, what kind of place is this? *Balmoral,*
Brad:
Oh its probably some kind of hunting lodge for rich weirdos,
*Rich weirdos are out of season. WE just have transvestites*,
Rick:
*He told me to Walk This Way and Talk* ...
This way, *Follow the bouncing thumb, *
Janet:
Are you having a party? *No, I'm just masturbating with my left hand, Watch!,
Can you spot the domestic in this picture? No, there's a slut in the way!*,
Riff:
You have arrived on rather a special night,
It's one of the masters affairs, *Which one? *
Janet:
Lucky him,
Magenta:
You're lucky, he's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky,
[Clock chimes]
*Hey Riff, show us your mother,*
Riff:
It's astounding, *No, it's a skeleton*.
Time is fleeting, *Who's your favorite pop group? *
Madness takes it's tole,
But listen closely, *shit*
Magenta:
Not for very much longer, *Good!*
Riff:
I've got to, KEEP CONTROLE,
I remember doing the timewarp,
Drinking those moments when,
The blackness would hit me,
And a void would be calling,
All:
Lets do the time-warp again,
Lets do the time-warp again,
*How does it go?*


Criminologist:
It's just a jump to the left,
All:
And then a step to the right,
Put your hands on your hips,
And bring your knees in tight,
But its the pelvic thrust,
That really drives you insane,
Lets do the time-warp again,
Lets do the time-warp again,
*How does cum taste?*
Magenta:
It's so dreamy,
Oh fantasy free me,
So you can't see me,
No not at all,
In another dimension,
With voyeuristic intention,
Well secluded, I see all.
With a bit of a mind-flip,
You're into the time-slip,
Nothing can ever be the same,
You'll become a sensation,
Like you'll under sedation,

All:
Lets do the time-warp again,
Lets do the time-warp again,

Columbia:
Well I was walking down the street, Just having a think,
When a snake of a guy, gave me an evil wink,
He shook me up, he got me by surprise,
He had a pick-up truck, and the devils eyes,
He stared at me, and I felt a change,
Time meant nothing, never would again,
All:
Lets do the time-warp again,
Lets do the time-warp again,

Criminologist:
*Get the fuck off the desk,*
It's just a jump to the left,
And then a step to the right,
Put your hands on your hips,
And bring your knees in tight,
But its the pelvic thrust,
That really drives you insane,
All:
Lets do the time-warp again,
Lets do the time-warp again,
[Tap dancing]
Lets do the time-warp again,
Lets do the time-warp again,


Criminologist:
It's just a jump to the left,
All:
And then a step to the right,
Put your hands on your hips,
And bring your knees in tight,
But its the pelvic thrust,
That really drives you insane,
Lets do the time-warp again,
Lets do the time-warp again,



Janet:
Say something, *stupid*, Brad,
Brad:
Hey, *That's not stupid!*
Do any of you guys know how to Madison?, *Now, that's fucking stupid,*
Janet:
Brad please, lets get out of here,
Brad:
For God sake get a grip on yourself, Janet, *Nobody else will!*
Janet:
But it seems so unhealthy here,
Brad:
It's just a party Janet,
Janet:
But I want to go,
Brad:
Well we can't go anywhere until I get to a phone,
Janet:
Well then ask the butler or someone,
Brad:
Just a moment Janet, we don't want to interfere with the celebrations *tough*,
Janet:
This isn't the junior chamber of commerce Brad,
Brad:
They are probably foreigners with ways different to our own,
They may do some more, folk dancing,
*What are you like in bed, Janet?*
Janet:
Look I cold, I'm wet, and I'm just plain scared,
Brad:
I'm here, there is nothing to worry about,

Janet:
[Scream]

Frank:
How do you do?,
I see you have met my, faithful hand-job man handyman,
He's just a little brought down because, when you knocked, *He rang!*
He thought you were the Candy Man,
Don't get strung out, by the way I look,
Don't judge a book by its cover,
I'm not much of a man,
By the light of day,
But by night I'm one hell of a lover,
I'm just a sweet transvestite,
From transsexual, Transylvania,
Let me show you around, *a round what?*
And maybe play you a sound,
You look like you're both pretty groovy,
Or if you want something visual,
That's not to abysmal,
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie,
Brad:
I'm glad we caught you at home,
Could we use your phone?,
We're both in a bit of a hurry,
Janet:
Right,
Brad:
We'll just stay where we are,
And then go back to the car,
We don't want to be any worry,
Frank:
Well you got caught with a flat,
Well how about that,
Well babies don't you panic,
By the light of the night,
It will all seem alright,
I'll get you a satanic mechanic,
I'm just a sweet transvestite,
From transsexual, Transylvania,
Why don' you stay for the night?, *Night,*
Or maybe a bite?, *Bite*,
I could show you my favorite obsession, *Sex, *
I've been making a man, *You call that a man?, *
With blond hair and a tan, *and a spam,*
He's good for relieving my *sexual* tension,
I'm just a sweet transvestite,
From transsexual, Transylvania,
I'm just a sweet transvestite,
From transsexual, Transylvania,
So, *a needle pulling thread,* Come up to the lab,
And, *Fuck me*, see what's on the slab,
I see you shiver with, *Say it*,
Antici - *Anal sex gives you Consti*...... -pation,
And maybe the rain,
Isn't really to blame,
So I'll remove, *Your clothes*, the cause,
*What about that Britney Bitch?"
But not the symptoms.
[Cloth on Janet's head]
*What do you say when Frank fucks you?*
Janet:
Thank you,
*What do you say when Riff Raff fucks you?*
Brad:
Thank you very much,
*What do you say when Brad fucks you?*
Janet:
Oh, oh, oh, Brad!,
Brad:
It's alright Janet, we'll play along for now,
And then pull out the aces when the time is right,
*Hey Columbia, how do you give a blow job?*
Columbia:
Oh, slowly, slowly, it's too nice a job to rush,
Brad:
My name's Brad Majors, *Arsehole*,
And this is my fianc?anet Weiss, *Slut,*
*Hey Brad how to you spell Euro 98?*
Brad:
You, are, *an Arsehole*
Columbia:
You're very lucky to be invited up to Franks laboratory,
Some people would give their right arm for the privilege, *Or their left tit?*,
Brad:
Like you maybe?,
Columbia:
Huh, I've seen it,

Janet:
Oh!
Magenta:
Come along, the master doesn't like to be kept waiting, Shift it,
*Drop it,* [Crash] *Thank you,
Owch! Caught my dick in the gate again.*
[Lift goes up]
Janet:
Is he, Frank I me, is he your husband?
Riff:
The master is not yet married, nor do I think he ever will be,
We are simply his *slaves* servants,
*Third floor, ...... fuck all,
Fourth floor, .........fuck all,
Firth floor, ..... Ronald McDonald in drag,
Sluts first.
That's you toots, get the fuck out of the lift.
Arseholes second... Notice no hesitation.
Now that's what I call a pair of well hung speakers,
Hey Frank, what's your favourite colour?*
Frank
Magenta, *Where do you get your drugs?*
Columbia, *I get mine from Magenta,* go assist Riff Raff, *woof-woof,*
*He can't get it up by himself*.
I will entertain... uh huh huh... (chuckle) *It could be YOU!*
Brad:
Brad Majors, *Arse-hole*,
Janet Weiss, *Slut, *
*Tight as a vice and twice as nice. The wench with the stench trench,
Frank do you speak French?*
Frank:
Enchente,
Well how nice, and what charming underclothes [Loud Cheers] you both have,
But here put these on, *Take yours off*,
They will make you feel less naked venerable, *Same thing*,
It's not often that we receive visitors here,
Let alone offer them *Horse Brutality* hospitality,
Brad:
Hospitality,
All we wanted to do was use your telephone God damn it,
I reasonable request which you have chosen to ignore,
Janet:
Brad don't be ungrateful, *get macho, Brad*
Brad
Ungrateful!
Frank
How forceful you are Brad,
Such a perfect specimen of manhood,
So, *big,* dominant, *If he's so big, why does she need glasses?*
You must be awfully proud of him Janet?
*Hey Janet, are you a slut?*
Janet:
Yes I am,
Frank:
Do you have any tattoos Brad?
*How do you tattoo an arsehole? With a big prick,*
Brad:
Certainly not,
Frank:
Oh well, how about you?
Janet:
[Laughs]
Riff:
Everything is in readiness master,
We merely await your word,
*Hey Frank when's the orgy?*
Frank:
Tonight, my unconventional, conventionists,
You are to witness a new breakthrough in bio-chemical research, *Radion. *
And paradise is to be made,
[Cheers]
It was strange the way it happened,
Suddenly you get a break,
*Snap that rubber and scare the shit out of yourself,* [Snap]
All the pieces seemed to fit into place, *Like a 69,*
Not a sign of being., *What's John Major?*
What a fool *what's Tony Blair?*,
The answer *bull shit* was there all the time,
It took a small accident, *What did you have in your underpants?*
An accident!,
And that's when I discovered the secret, that elusive
*Captain's Log Stardate Four Seven Point Eleven. Whilst orbiting the planet I said Bones where the hell is ....*.
Spark, which is the breath of life,
*Doctor Furter,* Yes, *You know those men who wear women's underwear? *
I have that knowledge, *That's you that is,*
I hold the secret, *To what?*,
To life, *Itself?*
Itself,
[Cheers]
*"D" *You see, *"K" [Quack]* you are fortunate, *The toilet's outside Columbia, *
For tonight is the night,
That my beautiful creature is destined to be born,
[Cheers]
*How to you say fuck in Chinese?*
Hoopla,
Throw open the switches on the sonic oscillator, *not the sonic oscillator,*
And step up the reactor power input, three, more, points, *three ... more ... triangles,*
[Creature creation scene]
(Colourful fluids, etc. in the order Red, Orange, Yellow,
Green, Blue, Indigo, Violet. But do you really give a shit? Neither do i.)
[Cheers]

Rocky:
The sword of Damocles is hanging over my head, *No, that's just Franky*
But I've got a feeling that someone is going to be cutting the thread,
Oh, Woe is me,
My life is a misery,
Oh can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer,
I woke up this morning with a start when I fell out of bed,
And left from my dreaming was a feeling of unnameable dread,
My high is low,
I'm dressed up with no place to go,
And all I know,
Is I'm at the start of a pretty big downer,
(Shal, a, la, la, la)
To sword of Damocles is hanging over my head,
But I've got a feeling that someone is going to be cutting the thread,
Oh, Woe is me,
My life is a mystery,
And can't you see, that I'm at the start of a pretty big downer,
(Shal, a, la, la, la)
(Shal, a, la, la, la)

Frank:
Well really, that's no way to behave on your first day out,
*Look at his dick then forgive him,*
But since you such an exceptional beauty,
I'm prepared to forgive you,
Oh I just love success,
Riff:
He's a credit to your genius master,
Frank:
Yes,
Magenta:
A triumph of your will,
Frank:
Yes,
Columbia:
He's OK, *You fucked up bitch! Get you tits of my aquarium.*
Frank:
Ok, *Hey Frank, show us how you kill smurphs,* [Bangs tank]
OK!,
*What do you think of John Major? *
I think we can do better than that, *Why don't you ask Brad and Janet,
Titless and dickless, arsehole and tighthole, Ken and Barbie, Batman and Robin ...*
Oh Brad and Janet,
What do you think of him? *Lie Janet*,
Janet:
I don't like men with too many muscles, *just one big one*,
Frank:
I didn't make him for you, *She gets him anyway!,*
He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval,
*[Seal claps]
Describe John Major,*
A weakling, weighing 98 pounds, *two John Majors,*
Will get sand in his face, *John Major on the beech,*
When kicked *in the groin* to the ground,
And soon in the gym, *Who's Jim?* with a determined grin, *Oh that Jim,*
The sweat from his pores, as he works for his cause,
Will make him glisten,
*Great, but where do the batteries go? Those are the batteries! Then where do I shove these?*
And gleam,
And with massage and just a little bit of steam, *Missed it, missed it, now you gotta kiss it!
Call Henry Kelly he's Going For Gold!*
Hell be pink and quite clean,
He'll be a strong man,
*What does come taste like?*
Oh honey, all but the wrong man,
He'll eat nutritious, *Beef*
High protein *Beef,* and swallow raw eggs, *Better than Beef,*
Try to build up his shoulders,
His chest, arms and....legs,
Such an effort, if only he knew of my plan,
In just seven days, I can make you a man,
*He'll fuck the floor, suck off the cameraman,*
He'll do, press ups and chin ups, to the snatch, clean and jerk, *Off*,
He thinks dynamic tension, must be hard work,
Such strenuous living, I just don't understand,
When in just seven days, Oh baby, I can make you a man,
[Beep, beep, beep] *Guess who's coming to dinner! Guess who is dinner...*
Huh, Who?
Columbia:
Eddie!

[Enter Eddie on motorcycle ]
Eddie:
Whatever happened to Saturday night, *Sunday morning, *
When you dressed up sharp and you felt all right?
It don't seem the same since cosmic light,
Came into my life, I thought I was divine.
I used to go for a ride with a chick who'd go,
And listen to the music on the radio;
A saxophone was blowing on a rock 'n roll show.
You climbed in the back seat, you really had a good time.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
My head used to swim from the perfume I smelled.
My hands kind of fumbled with her white plastic belt.
I'd taste her baby pink lipstick and that's when I'd melt
And she'd whisper in my ear tonight she really was mine.
Get back in front, put some hair oil on
Buddy Holly was singing his very last song.
With your arms around your girl you'd try to sing along.
It felt pretty good. Woo you really had a good time.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.
Hot patootie, bless my soul, I really love that rock 'n roll.

[Frank attacks Eddie with an alpinist's pick bladdy bladdy blah, Columbia screams]
*Must have been a virgin!
That's no way to pick your friends or Picky picky picky SHUT UP UP, bitch!*
Frank:
One from the vaults. (chuckles)
*Give those (rubber gloves) to Magenta; she knows what to do with bloody rubbers -- Turn them inside out and use then again*

Rocky:
Ugh...
*I'm upset!*
Frank:
Oh Baby... Don't be upset... It was a mercy killing... *It was a messy killing...could've been one of mine*
He had a certain naive charm, *Seafood?*
But no muscle (Rocky flexes a bicep)
...Oh! *I can't believe it's not* ...
But a deltoid, and a bicep, *What do you have for breakfast?*
A hot groin, and a tricep,
Makes me, ooh! Shake!
makes me want to take Charles Atlas by the *dick* hand,
In just seven days, Oh baby, I can make you a man,
I don't want no dissension,
Just dynamic tension,
*Sing it bitch,*
Janet:
I'm a muscle fan,
Frank:
In just seven days, I can make you a man,
Dig it if you can,
In just seven days, I can make you a man,
[Wedding March] [Confetti]

*I say life's an illusion*.
Criminologist:
There are those who say that life is an illusion, *Like your neck*,
And reality is simply a figment of the imagination,
*So's your fucking neck,*
If this is so, the Brad and Janet are quite safe, *from your neck*,
However, the sudden departure *of your neck* their *neck* host, and his *neck* creation, *creation's neck*,
Into the seclusion of his somber bridal *suite, *
And left them feeling both *neckless* apprehensive, and uneasy,
*Don't know them,*
A feeling which grew *unlike your neck* as the other guests departed,
And they were shown to their separate rooms, *neck of the woods,
Through the Arsehole,*
[Janet and Brad are shown to their separate rooms by Riff Raff and Magenta]
[Janet enters room]
*Watch out for that slut detector...*
[Frighten Janet] *BOO!,
Sit down Bitch, .... ,SIT DOWN!*
[Brad enters room]
*Same room, different filter. Cheap fucking movie. Deja blue,*
[Frank knocks on Janet's room]
Janet:
Who is it?, Who's there,
*Don't you fret, don't you fear Frank the wonder fuck is here. Long or short, thick or thin, Vaseline 'll get it in ..2..4..6..8.. Frankie's fucks are always great. Heeeeere's Frankie,*
Frank(Brad):
Its only me Janet,
Janet:
Oh Brad darling, come in, *and out, and in, and out,*
Oh Brad, Oh kiss me darling, but what if...
*It's OK I'm taping Neighbours,*
Oh I hope so my darling,
Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh its you, *Ian Beal! Shit!*
Frank:
I'm afraid so Janet,
But isn't it nice,
Janet:
Oh, Oh you beast, you monster,
Oh what have you done with Brad,
*Nothing yet, I'm saving the best for last*,
Frank:
Nothing, why do you think I should?
Janet:
You tricked me, I wouldn't have,
I've never, never,
*What about the football team? Go Liverpool*
Frank:
Yes, Yes I know,
But it isn't all bad, is it?
*It isn't Brad either,*
You really found it quite pleasurable,
Janet:
Oh, stop, I mean help, Oh Brad, Oh Brad!, *To Boldly Go where no man has gone before,
He's not down there. He's never been down there,*
Frank:
Brad will be asleep my now,
Do you want him to see you like this?
Janet:
Oh stop, you're to blame,
Oh I was saving myself,
*What for a rainy day? Look outside bitch, It's pissing down,*
Frank:
Well I'm sure you're not spent yet,
Janet:
Promise you wont tell Brad, *Slut*!,
Frank:
Cross my heart and hope to die, *Stick a dildo in my eye*,


[Scene with Riff Raff and Magenta, Magenta with a mop]
*Come sure does take some cleaning up,
Hey Magenta! Over here! Look! MAGENTA! Hi
Hey Magenta, there's a lesbian in the back row,*
[Riff Raff walks over to rocky]
*Rocky takes it up the Arse, doo-dah, doo-dah
Servants always enter by the rear,
That's why they're called butlers,
Rocky, leave Atlas's dick alone,*
[Riff Raff grabs the candelabra]
*I know what your thinking, but it ain't going to fit*,
[Rocky runs away]
[Rocky climbs down the elevator shaft]
[Riff throws candle]
*Elbow sex... Elbow sex... I.N.C.E.S.T. That's what sister means to me,
Suck her till she squeaks,*

Frank(Janet):
Oh Brad darling its no good here, *It's no good over there either,*
It will destroy us,
Brad:
Don't worry Janet, we'll be aware from here in the morning,
Frank(Janet):
Oh Brad, you're so strong and protective,
*Like a good condom,*
Brad:
You! *Do you suffer from embarrassing hair loss?*
Frank:
I'm afraid so Brad,
But isn't it nice,
Brad:
Why you, what have you done with Janet?
*Fucked the shit out of her*,
Frank:
Nothing, why do you think I should?, *Liar,*
Brad:
You tricked me I wouldn't have,
I've never, never, *Never, Never?
Only fairies Michael Jackson do it in Never Never land,*
Frank:
Yes I know, but it isn't all bad,
Not even half bad,
I think you really quite enjoyed it, *He loved it,*
Brad:
Oh, stop, stop, no, Janet, Janet!
Frank:
Janet will probably be asleep by now,
Do you want her to see you like this?,
Brad:
It's your fault, you're to blame,
I thought it was the real thing, *It is!,
Get that tit off your back Brad,*
Frank:
You liked it didn't you?,
It isn't a crime to give yourself over to pleasure,
Frank:
Oh Brad we wasted too much time already,
Janet needn't ever know, I won't tell her,
Brad:
Well, you promise you wont tell her?
Frank:
*Where did you last have sex?*
On my mothers grave, *Don't talk with your mouth full,*
[Beep Beep Beep...]
Riff:
Master, Rocky has broken his chains, and vanished, *Poof,*
Your new playmate is loose, and somewhere in the castle grounds,
Magenta has just released the dogs, *her sisters, *
Frank:
Coming! *So's Brad, No he isn't, Now he is,*

*Three faces of Janet Weiss with come on her face, *
Janet:
What's happening here? *It's a movie*,
Where's Brad? *Over there*,
Where's anybody? *We're here!*
Oh Brad, Brad my darling, *Janet my fishfinger,*
How could I have done this to you?,
*It was easy, but it would have been easier if you'd taken your tights off first,
Oh no, she's just got webbed feet,*
Oh, if only we hadn't made this journey, *But you did,*
If only the car hadn't broken down, *But it did, *
If only we were amongst friends, *But you are,*
Or sane people, *Well 2 out of 3 ain't bad,*
Brad, What have they done with him?
*Painted him blue and put him in a little box, see?*
[Sees Brad on monitor]
Oh Brad, oh Brad, how could you?
[Sobs]
*She only crying cause she can't sit on it,
That's what the ladders for,
50 ways to love your lever and the sequel: 50 ways to leave your lever,*
[Rocky howls]
*Leave him alone, he's monsterbating,
Who said that masturbation wasn't a dirty business?
I though cum was white? That's last weeks' cum*.
Janet:
You're hurt, *Of course I'm hurt, he hasn't written, he hasn't phoned ...*
Did they do this to you?, *No I did it to myself, I like it,*
Here, I'll dress your wounds,
*He's got more wounds than you've got dress*,

*Hey, Janet the slut, I'm Rocky the monster, smile if you want to fuck,
Smile if you don't want to fuck,
Ah, just smile anyway it's in the fucking script,*

Criminologist:
Emotion: Agitation or disturbance of mind,
Vehement or excited mental state,
*His neck, Now you see it, and now you don't,*
It is also a powerful and irrational master,
And from what Magenta and Columbia eagerly viewed on their television
monitor,
There seems no doubt, that Janet was indeed *a slut* its slave,
M&C::
Tell us about it Janet,

Janet:
I was feeling the done in, *and out and in and out,*
Couldn't win,
I'd only ever kissed before..
*What about during and after?*,
M&C:
You mean she's .., Ah, ah, *a liar*,
Janet:
I'd thought there's no use getting, *laid*, into heavy petting,
It only leads to trouble and *pregnancy* seat wetting, *Hey, my seat's wet,*
All I wanted to know,
Is how to go,
I've tasted *come* blood, and I want more,
*Dudley* More, *Roger* more, *Patrick* more,
Janet:
I'll put up no resistance,
I want to *fuck your* stay the distance,
I've got an itch to scratch,
I need assistance,
Touch, oh touch, oh touch, oh touch me,
I want to be dirty,
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,
Creature of the night,
*Oh shit missed!,*
Then if anything grows, *Suck it*!
While you pose,
I'll oil you up and drop you down, *Up, Down, Up, Down, Up Down*,
And that is just one small fraction,
Of the main attraction,
Give me a friendly hand,
I need action,
Touch, oh touch, oh touch, oh touch me,
I want to be dirty,
Thrill me, chill me, fulfil me,
Creature of the night,

M&C:
Touch, oh touch, oh touch, oh touch me,
I want to be dirty,
Thrill me, kill me, fulfil me,
Creature of the night,
Janet:
Touch, oh touch, oh touch, oh touch me,
I want to be dirty,
Thrill me, kill me, fulfil me,
Creature of the night!
[Lab]
*Hit him,
Hit him again,
Hit him harder,*
Riff:
*Say 'thank you' in French,*
Mercy,
Frank:
,
How did it happen? *Beats me, but I've got a hunch,*
Frank:
I thought I told you to watch him, *30 love,*
Riff:
I was only away for a minute, *doing what?,* master, *bating*,
Frank:
See if you can find him, on the monitor, *40 love,*
Riff:
*Game, set and match Curry. New balls please,*
Master, master, we have a visitor, *Mary Poppins in a wheelchair!,
R2D2 in the rain tra-la-la-lalah,*
Brad:
Hey, Scotty, *Beam me up,*
Dr Everett Scott, *BOOOO! *hiss*
Riff::
You know this earthling?,
*Watch it O'Brien! Fuck you Curry, I wrote this*, Person,
Brad:
I most certainly do,
He happens to be an old friend of mine,
Frank:
*"M"* I see, *"K" "E" "Y" MOUSE (etc)*
So this wasn't simply a chance meeting, *No, it's a date*,
You came here, with a purpose, *It was a dolphin,*
Brad:
I told you my car broke down, I was telling the truth,
*Arse holes never lie, they just give you a load of shit,*
Frank:
I know what you told me, Brad,
But this Dr Everett Scott, his name is not unknown to me,
*It's on little cards in phone booths all over London, *
Brad:
He was a science teacher a Denton High School,
Frank:
Now he works for your government, doesn't he Brad,
He's attached to the Bureau of Investigation,
Of what you call UFOs, isn't that right? *hey, it's Mulder in drag*
Brad:
He might be, I don't know,
Rick:
The intruder is entering the building master, *Lucky building, Unless it was forced entry*,
Frank:
He'll probably be in, *the back passage,* the Zen room, *Not the Zen room,*
Shall we enquire of him, in person,
*Not the triple contact Nazi-magnet!*
[Wheel chair goes upstairs]
[When Dr. Scott passes through Columbia and Magenta's room]
* FUCKING TOURISTS*
Brad:
Great Scott,
Dr Frankenfurter, we meet at last, *No we meet at first*,
Brad:
Dr Scott, *Suck my hand*,
Dr:
Brad, What are you doing here?, *Giving hand jobs to people in wheelchairs,*
Frank:
Don't play games Dr Scott, *Put a penis in your ear Brad,*
You know perfectly well what Brad Majors is doing here, *taking it out,*
It was part of your plan, was it not,
That he and his female should check the layout for you, *Or lay the checkout,*
Well unfortunately for you all the plans had to be changed,
*Brad's pregnant, and Janet's got an erection,*
I have no doubt it will look as though I planned this,
Dr:
I can assure you that Brads presence here come as a complete surprise to me,
*Didn't you read the script?, Another virgin,*
I came here to find Eddie,
Brad:
Eddie?, I've seen him, *so've i*
Frank:
What do you know of Eddie, Dr Scott?
*He's fat, ugly, and he plays the saxophone,*
Dr:
I happen to know a great deal about a lot of things, *Did you know about my secret love afair with Bill Clinton?*
You see Eddie happens to be my *next meal* nephew,
Frank:
Oh, *shit*
Janet:
Oh, *You blew it bitch*,
Brad:
Dr Scott
*Mouseketeer roll call, sound off,*
Dr:
Janet,
Janet:
Dr Scott,
Brad:
Janet,
Janet:
Brad,
Frank:
Rocky, *Moo*,
Dr
Janet,
Janet:
Dr Scott,
Brad:
Janet,
Janet:
Brad,
Frank:
Rocky, *Moo*,
Dr:
Janet,
Janet:
Dr Scott,
Brad:
Janet,
Janet:
Brad,
Frank:
Rocky, *Moo*
*what was that for?*,
Frank
Listen, I made you and I could just as easily break you,
[Gong]
Magenta:
Master, dinner is prepared,
*What did you think of Brad's performance? *
Frank:
Excellent,
Under the circumstances, formal dress, is to be optional,
*Toga, Toga, Toga,
Toga, Duvet, Bedspread, Artichoke,*

Criminologist:
Food has already played a vital role in lifes rituals,
The breaking of bread,
The last meal of the condemned man,
And now this meal, *The last supper,*
However informal it might appear, *Informal? Bollocks! Dr Scott's got seven forks!,
That's cos he hasn't 8 yet*,
You can be sure that there is to be very little Bonhomie, *Bona Who?,*
[Riff Raff and Magenta wheel in a cart]
*Would you let that woman serve your dinner? She is my dinner!,
Oh no, not meat loaf again,
No it's baked beans, No it's steam*,
[Riff opens lid]
*Oh no, it's Madonna's clit,*
[Meat is carved]
*The Black and Decker pecker wrecker,
It slices, dices, circumcises, Transvestites start your engines, Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck .....
Sitting next to Rocky was too much for Dr Scott, he's cum in his pants, clean it up Dr Scott.
What do you call a slice of Hovis with a hard on? *
Frank:
A toast,
*To cannibalism, and the dalmatian who gave his life so that Brad could have a drink,*
To absent friends, *Glen Close could get a job,*
Dr:
To absent friends,
*Put on a silly hat and sing like a six year old,
Or put on a six year old and sing like Michael Jackson,*
Frank:
And, Rocky,
Happy Birthday to you, *Wo,
Happy Birthday to you, *Wo,
Happy Birthday dear Rocky,
Shall we?
Janet:
Happy Birthday to you,
*Can you speak French?*
Dr:
We *un peu* came here to discuss Eddie,
Columbia:
Eddie!,
*Shut up, or I'll cut your other tit off!*
Frank:
That's a rather tender subject, *That's a rather crap joke,*
Another slice anyone,
*Brad gets it, Janet gets it, Dr Scott gets it, Rocky gets it but doesn't give a shit,*
Columbia:
Excuse me, *What's the matter, you've never eaten Eddie before?,
Yeah but not with Ketchup, Only white sauce, *
[ Goes outside]
*Mind that skateboard,* [and screams]

Dr:
I knew he was in with a bad crowd but it is worse than I imagined,
*What's your favourite Sigourney Weaver film?*,
Aliens,
Brad:
Dr Scott, *Janet, Brad, Rocky, Moo*,
Frank:
Go on Dr Scott,
Or should I say Dr Von Scott, *Seig-Heil,*
Brad:
Just what exactly are you implying,
Dr:
That's alright Brad,
*How long was he gay?*,
Dr:
From the day he was born, *Not the night but the day,*
He was trouble, *With a capital T*,
He was de thorn, *Not the rose but the thorn,*
In his muthers side, *Not the back but the side,*
She tried in vain, *Not the artery but the vein,*
Criminologist:
But he never caused her nothing but shame,
Dr:
He left home the day she died,
From the day he was born,
All he wanted,
Was Rock and Roll porn, and a motorbike,
Shooting up junk,
Criminologist:
He was a low down cheap little punk,
Dr:
Taking everyone for a ride,
When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy, you knew he was a no good kid,
But when he threatened your life with a switch blade knife,
Frank:
What a guy, *What a cunt,
Janet:
Makes you cry, *Pulled a stunt,
Dr:
And I did, *Now he's dead,

Columbia:
Everybody shoved him,
I very nearly loved him,
I said hey listen to me,
Stay sane inside insanity,
But he locked the door and threw away the key,

Dr:
But he must have been drawn, into something,
Making him warn, me in a note, which reads,
*What's it say, What's it say?*
(I'm out of my head, Oh hurry or I may be dead,
They mustn't carry out their evil deed)
When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy, you knew he was a no good kid,
But when he threatened your life with a switch blade knife,
Frank:
What a guy, *What a cunt,
Janet:
Makes you cry, *Pulled a stunt,
Dr:
And I did, *Now he's dead,
When Eddie said he didn't like his teddy, you knew he was a no good kid,
But when he threatened your life with a switch blade knife,
Frank:
What a guy,* What a cunt,
Janet:
Makes you cry, *Pulled a stunt,
Dr:
And I did, *Now he's dead,
I fucking hate celery*,
[Pulls back the cloth] [Janet hugs Rocky]
Frank:
Oh Rocky, *you hetero-sexual,* how could you?,

Frank:
I'll tell you once, I won't tell you twice,
You'd better wise up Janet Weiss,
Your apple pie don't taste to nice,
You'd better wise up Janet Weiss,
I've laid the seed, it should be all you need,
Your as sensual as a pencil or wound up like an E or first string,
When we made it, did you hear a bell ring?, *[Ring Bell]*
Ya gotta block? Well take my advice,
You'd better wise up Janet Weiss,
The transducer will seduce yer,

Janet:
My feet, I can't move my feet,
Dr:
My wheels, My God, I can't move my wheels, *You haven't got any wheels*,
Brad:
*My socks, I can move my socks,* Its as if were glued to the spot,
Frank:
You are, so quake with fear you tiny fools,
Janet:
Were trapped,
Frank:
It's something you'll get used to, a mental mind fuck can be nice,

Dr:
You wont find Earth people quite the easy option you like,
This sonic transputer it is I suppose,
Some kind of audio, vibratory, physio-molecular transport device,
Frank:
You mean, *a vibrator,*
Dr:
Yes it something we have been working on ourselves for quite some time,
*A working vibrator,*
But it seems our friend here, has gone and perfected it, *The perfect vibrator,*
A device which is capable of breaking down solid matter,
And the projecting it, through space,
Who knows, perhaps even time, itself, *Dr Who's vibrator,*
Janet:
You mean he's going to send us to another planet?,

Frank:
Planet, Schmanet, Janet,
You'd better wise up Janet Weiss,
You'd better wise up,
Build your thighs up,
You'd better wise up,
Criminologist:
And then she cried out,
Janet:
*MORE!* Stop!,

Frank:
Don't get hot and flustered,
Use a bit of mustard,
Brad:
You're a hotdog,
But you'd better not try to hurt her, *with your twelve inch,* Frankfurter,
Dr:
You're a hotdog,
But you'd better not try to hurt her, Frankfurter,
Janet:
You're a hotdog,

Columbia:
My God, I cant stand any more of this, *Sit down, *
First you spurn me for Eddie,
And then you throw him off like an old overcoat for Rocky,
*He was an old overcoat for Rocky,*
You chew people up and them you spit them out again, *He's on a diet*,
I love you, *What did you say?*
Did you hear me I loved you,
And what did it get me, Yeah I'll tell you, a big nothing, *At least it was a big nothing,*
Your like a sponge, You just take, take, take, and drain a lover of all emotion,
Well I've had enough,
You've got to choose between me and Rocky, *Peek a boo*,
So called because of the rocks in his head,
*Jesus Christ, what a bitch,
Quick Magenta flick the switch,*


Frank:
It's not easy having a good time, *Try Eurodisney it's worse,
What does it feel like after giving yourself a blow job for 24 hours non-stop? *
Even smiling makes my face ache,
*What did Michael Jackson say in court?, *
And my children turn on me,
Rocky's behaving just the way that Eddie did,
*What do you think of John Major and Tony Blair?*
Do you think is was a mistake, splitting his brain between the two of them?,

Magenta:
I grow weary of this world, when shall we return to Transylvania, huh?
*A Veek next Vednesday, Vhen do you Vont?*
[As Frank speaks the next line and Magenta's head starts
turning towards Riff]
*Where's Magenta's other hand, and why is Riff smiling?
Where's Riff Raff's other hand and why is Magenta turning?
Frank had too much garlic,*
Frank:
Magenta, I'm indeed grateful to both you and your brother Riff Raff,
You have both served me well,
Loyalty such as yours shall not go unrewarded,
You will discover that when the mood takes me, I can be quite generous,
*Hey Magenta, How much do you ask for a blow job?*
Magenta:
I ask for nothing...master, *I'll have one then!,*
Frank:
And you shall receive it, in abundance,
*What's the secret ingredient in Frosties?,*
Come, we are ready for the floor show,
*Hey look on the floor, Magenta's eyeballs have fallen out,
Great party, everyone's stoned.
This handy Dr Scott tampon applicator can be your for only $9.99.
First to the top gets to be on top - hurry up Magenta*.
Criminologist:
And so by some extraordinary coincidence,
Fate is seemed has decided that Brad and Janet should keep their appointment
with their friend Dr Everett Scott,
But it was to be in a situation which none of them could have possibly foreseen,
And just a few hours after announcing their engagement,
Brad and Janet had both tasted *Franks come!* forbidden fruit, *Same thing!,*
This itself was proof that their host was a man of little morals,
*And a big dick!*,
And some persuasion, *12 inches would persuade anybody,*
What further indignities were they to be subjected to?, *Eldorado the movie,*
And what of the floor show?, *Where do you fuck boy scouts?*
In an empty house?, *When do you fuck boy scouts?*
In the middle of the night?, *When the rates are cheaper, Bob a blow job week, *
What diabolic *Chicken stamped on your forehead?,*
plan has ceased Frank's crazed imagination,
What indeed,
From what has gone before,
It was clear that this was to be, *Can we have a picnic,* no picnic, *Oh shit!
Ladies, pay attention!. This is what happens when you don't swallow!!*,

Columbia:
It was great when it all began,
I was a regular Franky fan,
But it was over when he had the plan,
To start working on a muscle man,
Now the only thing that gives me hope,
Is my love of a certain dope,
Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain,

Rocky:
I am just seven hours old, *and can't dance,*
Truly beautiful to behold,
And somebody should be told, *I can't sing,*
My libido hasn't been controlled,
Now the only thing I come to trust,
Is an orgasmic rush of lust, *Anal floss,*
Rose tints my world and keeps me safe from my trouble and pain,
*Can you come on the ceiling?, *
Brad:
It's beyond me,
Help me mommy,
I'll be good, you'll see,
Take this dream away,
What this, *the floor* lets see,
I feel sexy, *You don't look it*,
What's come over me, *Frank has*,
Wo, here it come again,

Janet:
Oh, I feel released, *You look real cheap,*
Bad times, disease,
My confidence has increased,
Reality is here,
The game has been disbanded,
My mind has been expanded,
It a gas that's Franky's landed,
His lust is so sincere,
[Fanfare]
*What the hell is a radio picture?
It's a picture of a radio, what else?
How do you spell Fuck in morse-code?*


Frank:
What ever happened to Fay Ray?, *She went ape shit*,
That delicate, satin draped frame,
As it clung to her thighs, *What the ape shit?*
How I started to cry,
Cause I wanted to be dressed, *Like Marguerita Pracatan,*
Just the same,
Give yourself over to absolute pleasure,
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh,
Erotic nightmares, *Describe your penis*, beyond any measure,
And sensual day-dreams, to treasure forever,
Can't you just see it, Woa-ooo
Oh! [Splash]
Don't dream it, be it [repeat]

*Hey Frank. How does it feel to have god's finger up your arse? Heavenly!
God damn it Michael-Angelo, I said the ceiling not the bottom of the pool!
It's Ok it's a water colour.
That's the last time I get a ninja turtle to do my decorating,

Extra, Extra, Read all about it! Transvestite killed by falling cameraman!,

So that's what happened to the Titanic.
Frank went down on the Captain and sucked out all the semen,
Hey waiter, there's a fag in my soup,
Shhh... everybody'll want one!*
Dr:
We've got to get, *the fuck,* out of this trap,
Before this decadence, saps our wills, *you're the only one with wheels,*
I've gotta be strong,
And try to hang on,
Or else my mind may well snap, *crackle and pop,*
And my life will be lived,* why do you come here every week?*, for the thrills,

Brad:
Its beyond me,
Help me mummy,
Janet:
God bless Lilly St Cyr.
*Hey Frank who's pool is it?,*
Frank:
Mine, mine, mine, mi, mi, mi, mi, mine,
*possesive much?*
Frank:
I'm a wild and an untamed thing.
I'm a bee with a deadly sting.
You get a hit and your mind goes ping.
Your heart'll thump and your blood will sing.
So let the party and the sounds rock on.
We're gonna shake it 'till the life has gone.
Rose tint my world, keep me safe from my trouble and pain.

All:
[Repeat twice]

Riff:
Frankenfurter, its all over,
Your mission is a failure,
You lost out to extreme,
I'm your new commander,
You are now the prisoner,
We return to Transylvania,
Prepare the transit beam,

Frank:
*Sit on my face and I'll guess your ...*
Wait,
*What do you say when your mum comes home to find you watching Postman Pat with
your penis in your hand? *
I can explain, *It had better be good, you got shot last week,*
Ladies and gentlemen, for one night and one night only,
...............................

Frank:
On the day, I went away,
Was all I had to say,
I want to come again, *So does Brad*,
And stay, *Hard,*
Smile and that will mean, I may,
Cause I've seen, *Windows 95*, oh, blue skies, through the tears, in my eyes,
And I realise, I'm going home,
*Where do you fuck Wilderbeast?*
Everywhere, its been the same,
Feeling... *What's it like when Riff Raff comes on your face?*
like I'm outside in the rain...
Wheeling... *How many little pigs were there?*
Free to try and find a game... Dealing...
Card for sorrow, [CARDS]
Cards for pain,
Cause I've seen, oh, blue skies, through the tears, in my eyes,
And I realise, I'm going home,
I'm going home, I'm going home,
I'm going home,
*No autographs tonight, not ever for: Barbara Cartland, Bruce Forsyth, Princess Margaret, Denis Norden, The Queen Mum, Dame Edna and God*.

Magenta:
How sentimental, *You bitch*,
[Frank turns around and sees the house empty]
*It's a sold out Tiffany concert - 'I think were alone now!,*
Riff:
And all so presumptuous of you, *What do you do with your eyes?,*
You see, when I said we were to return to Transylvania,
I referred only to Magenta and myself,
I'm sorry however if you found my words misleading,
But you see, you are to remain here, *How do you pickle onions?,*
In spirit anyway,
Dr:
Good heavens, that's a laser, *No, it's a vibrator for the Witches of Eastwick,*
Riff
Yes, Dr Scott,
A laser capable of emitting a beam of pure anti-matter,
*Does that mean it doesn't matter?*,
Brad:
You mean, *it doesn't work,* your going to kill them,
What's his crime?,
Dr:
You saw what became of Eddie,
Society must be protected, *Fuck society, Don't fuck society, you'll get a social desease,*
Riff:
And now Frank-N-furter, your time has come, *Even time comes in this film,*
Say goodbye to all of this, *Goodbye to all of this,*
And hello, *hello*, to oblivion,
*Hi oblivion, how's the wife and kids,
The first one to scream gets it right between the tits*.
[Scream] [Zap] *Oh shit it works,*
[More Zappings]
*Don't lift that up, you'll let the crap orchestra out,*
[Rocky picks Frank up and begins to climb the tower -
gets zap, zap, zap, zapped - falls into the pool to his death]
*Chest of steel... Back of steel... Shoulder of steel...
Armpit of steel... Tower of plastic!*

Brad:
Good God(only a man would be stupid enough to create the John Majors),
Janet:
You killed them, *No, they're just sleeping*
Magenta:
But I thought you liked them, they like you, *Get paranoid,*
Rick
They didn't like me, *Get real paranoid,*
They never liked me, *Cause I looked like Pebbles from the Flintstones,
That's East Enders in the background. Alright, Pat?*
Dr:
You did right,
*Hey Riff, I thought you were supposed to have a head on your dick, not a dick on your
head,
Surfs up on Riff's head,
Hey Riff, there's a banana following you,*
Riff:
A decision had to be made, *kill the hairdresser*
Dr:
You're ok by me, *Nanu, nanu*...
Riff:
Dr Scott, I'm sorry about your, *dinner* nephew, *Same thing*,
Dr:
Eddie?, *no, Hitler*
Yes well, perhaps it was for the best, *Ha Ha. Crap joke. Fuck off*,
Riff:
You should leave now Dr Scott, while it is still possible,
*To get a night bus home from Trafalgar Square*,
We are about to beam the entire house, back to the planet of, Transsexual,
In the galaxy of Transylvania, *Just up the M1,
Apocalypse,* Now,
*Does this mean we cant use the phone?, *
[Brad and Janet wheel Dr. Scott out of the house]
*Hey Magenta, do you famous under water laughing chicken impression with hiccups,
That curry just won't go down,*
Riff:
The mission is almost completed my most *Ugly Q-Tip* beautiful sister,
*If that's the beautiful one, I'd hate to see the ugly one*,
And soon we will return to the moon-drenched shores of our beloved planet,
Magenta:
*OK Rocky Horror Fan, What's Frank's first song?*
Ah, Sweet Transexual, Land of Night, *And large electricity bills,*
Sing and dance once more again to your dark refrain,
*What's you most favourite group in the whole wide world, even though they split up a
few months ago?*
To take that step to the right,
Riff:
But its the pelvic thrust,
All:
Which really drives you insane,
*That scene wasn't in the movie! Now it is,*
Magenta:
And our world, will do the time warp, again,
[House is zapped]
[Brad and Janet are crawling around on the ground outside the castle, in mist]
*Hey Brad, have you done a lot of drugs?"*
Brad:
I've done a lot,
*Have you tried LSD?,*
God knows I've tried,
*Why did you take it?,*
To find the truth.
*How d
id you get it?, *
I've even lied.
But all I know is down inside I'm...
All bleeding... , *Must have been a virgin,*

Janet:
And super heroes come to feast, *Oh look!, it's a reject from Cats,*
To taste the flesh not yet deceased.
And all I know is still the beast is...
feeding...
[Scene starts to spin, and fades into a spinning globe, which the narrator stops].
*Get your finger out of Columbia,*

Criminologist:
And crawling on the planet's face,
*What did you have for breakfast?*
Some Insects,
*Why's your phone bill so high,*
Called the human race...
*Where's your fucking neck?*
Lost in time
*What's your favourite TV show?*
And lost in space
And meaning.
*Once more for the virgins,*
All Meaning...
*So that's where the toilets were,*



Usherette [Credits]:
Science fiction,
Double feature.
Frank has built and
Lost his creature.
Darkness has conquered
Brad and Janet
The servants gone to
A distant planet.
Wo, oh, oh, oh.
At the late night, double feature,
Picture show.
I want to go, oh, oh, oh.
To the late night, double feature,
Picture Show.
*Thank you very much, C U next week, now FUCK OFF!*

THE END

flying squirils.